Savage Love Episode 1035

[00:00:00] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un! If you're stuck in a relationship quandary Or if you're looking for sexual Savage Lovecast

[00:00:26] I was thrilled when the new signs went up at my gym. Etiquette. Rules about sharing a public space. Rules that should be obvious, but if you've been to a gym lately or at the airport lately, people clearly need to be reminded of even the most obvious rules. People at the airport need to be reminded to use headphones when they're watching TikTok videos. And at the airport or the gym, people need to be reminded not to hog the equipment.

[00:00:53] At the airport, that means don't park your bag on an empty seat when the gate is crowded. At the gym, that means don't park your butt on a machine watching TikTok videos when the gym is crowded. And don't sit there on a weight bench, doom-scrolling your way through blue sky when other people are waiting to use that bench. I'm guilty of the latter myself, so even I need to be reminded of the obvious rules sometimes. But it was the last item on the newly posted list of reminders that went up at my gym that had me cheering.

[00:01:23] Show up fresh. Deodorant goes a long way in a room that everyone shares. But yes, it does. And that, sadly, needed to be said. That reminder needed to be sent. There were always a small number of guys at the gym who smelled bad. And for a long time, we called those straight guys. Hashtag not all straight guys smelled bad at the gym. But when a guy at the gym smelled bad, he was almost always a straight guy.

[00:01:53] It was a sign. He was just there to work out. He wasn't there to meet his future husband. He wasn't concerned with the first impression. It was actually a pretty good sorting mechanism there for a long time. A good data point. That guy's cute. Oh, no, wait. Kind of smells bad. Must be straight. Going to leave him alone. And then along came man smells. A niche kink blew up about a decade ago. Bars started hosting BO-themed parties like Stank at Powerhouse and SF,

[00:02:21] where guys would compete in ripe armpit contests, which would have been fine. But guys into man smells started bringing their ripe armpits with them everywhere they went, which was not fine because it was rude, first and foremost. And it also screwed up that sorting mechanism. Now a guy who smelled bad at the gym could be straight or he could be a gay guy into man smells. If the sign that went up at my gym this summer, a sign that I've heard is going up at other gyms all across the country,

[00:02:50] maybe use some deodorant, doesn't convince the man smells community to clean up their act, at least at the gym. BO is fine at the stank party. The gym is not a stank party. If that sign doesn't do the trick, maybe the latest dating advice from the right-wing manosphere will convince gay guys who are going to the gym to start using a little deodorant every once in a while again. Here's Professor Galloway on the Raging Moderates podcast sharing news of this trend, a trend embraced by straight boys who are, so they claim,

[00:03:21] doing this because they hope to get laid. All right. Just before we go, something that's a trend that's exploded online, pheromone maxing. And unfortunately, it's exactly what it sounds like. And that is, it's a trend on TikTok, mostly being followed by teen boys and young men, where the data or the idea is to stop showering, skip the deodorant, wear the same shirt a few extra days, and let your natural musk build up. And supposedly this makes you more attractive because of pheromones.

[00:03:51] And some are even taking it to an extreme, believing that the really committed ones are, or should, or are apparently drinking their own urine to optimize their pheromones. Okay. A few things. So many thoughts. First, define exploded. I'm really curious just how popular this trend is among straight boys, not bathing, wearing dirty clothes, drinking your own piss. And second, I really, I think here right now, I need to own what is my complicated relationship with the man smells community,

[00:04:19] which point of order, I am delighted to say, does not have a pride flag of its own. I went and checked. According to an AI overview, I did not ask for, I was just trying to Google it. Do man smells kinksters have their own pride flag? And then an AI consultant shoved this summary down my throat. While many niche fetishes have standalone flags created for them on platforms like Tumblr or DeviantArt,

[00:04:44] there is no universally recognized or widely established pride flag specifically for the man smells, men into body odor slash sweat kink community. So I want to pause here and give credit to the man smells guys for not contributing to the ridiculous proliferation of dumb and pointless pride flags. Good on you guys. Good on you. Now here's where I feel conflicted. Now here's where I feel conflicted. I am not into man smells as I think is clear by now.

[00:05:11] I do not want to smell you random man at the gym, not into man smells, but I do like how my man smells, or my men plural. So it was really good to hear Jessica Tarlov, Scott Galloway's co-host on Raging Moderates, jump into the conversations to defend people who like how their partners smell when their partners aren't fresh out of the shower.

[00:05:37] She really articulated my feelings about a partner's scent when she said this. I mean, I'm all for like a post-workout romp or whatever, but this seems really inadvisable. Your natural scent, it is meaningful. People fall in love with it. It's what binds people to be attracted to one another through thick and thin because human beings are pretty gross, right? And do dirty things in bathrooms and stuff like that.

[00:06:06] But this is a bad, bad idea. You don't have to be over-coloned. You don't have to have scented deodorant or anything like that. It's not particularly masculine. But stinking is just stinking, and it's not good. Fuck yes, Jessica. Fuck yes to the post-workout romp. I feel seen. I feel valid. Jessica, like me, likes how her man smells. Last point, this advice about pheromone maxing.

[00:06:35] It's ostensibly dating advice, and like all dating advice from the right-wing manosphere, it is terrible advice. Like Jessica said, scent is okay. The post-workout romp is hot. There is something to pheromones. But stinking? Stinking is not good. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I don't think it's an accident that all of the advice out of the right-wing manosphere about dating, about getting straight boys laid,

[00:07:04] is so, so bad. Basically, right-wing manosphere advice about dating, it's all guys who can barely get laid themselves telling other guys who can barely get laid to go out there wearing MAGA hats or to treat women like shit, and now to show up on a first date reeking of BO with your own piss on your breath in an effort to make other unfuckable guys more unfuckable than the unfuckable guy giving advice to other unfuckable guys.

[00:07:34] This is the conspiracy part. These guys, right-wing manosphere dating advice givers telling boys to drink their own piss, are trying to up their own chances of getting laid by decreasing the chances, obliterating the chances, that their followers, straight boys dumb enough to take their advice, will ever get laid. They are kneecapping their own competition. Anyway, back to my gays, my man smells gays. Guys, use deodorant. Not every day, just once in a while.

[00:08:02] Not on days when there's a ripe armpit contest at the powerhouse or a few days in the run-up to the ripe armpit contest at the powerhouse. Not when you have a play date scheduled with another guy who is into man smells. But at the gym, yeah, be gay, do crimes in the locker room. But smell good while you're doing those crimes. Because you don't want people to think you're one of them, do you? You don't want people to think you are a right-wing influencer or a straight boy dumb enough to be influenced by a right-wing influencer.

[00:08:32] Smelling bad outside a stank party? Yeah, that shit is MAGA-coded now. All right, coming up on this week's show, a man and his boyfriend. They are in a chatter-discordant relationship. They have a chatter gap. He wants peace and quiet. Boyfriend needs to engage. We tackle that relationship issue and lots more besides on this week's show. And my guest this week, comedian Zach Noe Towers. You may have heard earlier this summer about a gay cruise ship that was turned away from ports in Turkey and Egypt.

[00:09:01] Zach was on that ship. He was doing stand-up comedy on that ship. He's here to tell us all about his experience on The Flaming Dutchman and to give a little advice to some of my gay callers. A little of my conversation with Zach Noe Towers is on the micro. The whole thing is on the Magnum. You can hear the whole thing by becoming a Magnum sub now at savage.love slash subscribe. And Magnum subs, we had a really fun Savage Love Live last week with me and my husband's very brave boyfriend, Tom,

[00:09:30] on the show for the first time and our new puppy, an actual dog puppy, not a gay puppy. If you missed the live show, if you couldn't join us live, do not worry. We're going to post the whole video at savage.love exclusively for our Magnum subs. If you're not already my sub, become my sub now. You can see that show and you get so many more extras at savage.love. Become a sub. savage.love slash subscribe. And on After Action Report this Friday, what actually happens at a Berlin sex club?

[00:09:59] There's like, you know, different beds and I see my partner getting, you know, railed from behind. And I was like, wow, that's the first time I've seen that. Hear more on this week's After Action Report, which you will find in your feeds, micro and Magnums alike on Friday. All right, let's get to the first call. This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

[00:10:29] use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about Load Boost, Drive Boost, and soaking wet, and to get 10% off, visit vb.health and use the code savage. This episode is brought to you by Foria, makers of life-changing, all-natural, organic formulas for your most intimate needs.

[00:10:57] Right now, get 20% off your first order by going to foriawellness.com slash savage or by using code savage at checkout. Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech savvy at risk youth. This is a 32-year-old cis straight woman writing in from Vancouver, Canada. I have been in a six-year relationship with a married man. The first big romance of my life, unfortunately.

[00:11:26] Yeah, it was all very cliche. It started off as he was my manager and then my friend, and then it was an emotional affair and then a physical affair. And I thought he was going to leave his wife for me and he didn't because they have three kids together and I'm embarrassed and horrified by the situation. Of course, I didn't think I'd be this person.

[00:11:54] I've tried to end it many times and he does not want it to end. So every time I try to end it, it's on me. And if it doesn't work, which it hasn't, I end up just punishing myself. I've been seeing a counselor for a number of years now. I have a new job, so I'm less financially dependent on him. I have really great friends, family. I have a pretty good life, but I want kids and a family.

[00:12:24] And I know this person and myself are holding me back from that. I have tried dating unsuccessfully. This person gets really jealous when he knows I am dating, which makes it harder because I already feel bad because I don't want to date anyone else. But I'm at the point where I think I'm ready to move on and to try again.

[00:12:53] I go to workout classes. I'm out and about. I go to breweries. I'm not afraid to ask people out. It just hasn't led anywhere. And then I feel like it's never going to lead anywhere. I feel like this relationship is the best it's going to get. And I feel discouraged. And that makes it hard for me to let go. You know what you need to do. You need to end this relationship.

[00:13:22] You do not need this guy, this piece of shit. You do not. I really don't like this guy. I wish I could just take a little bit of the hate I have in my heart for your affair partner of six years now, your former manager, and just inject it into your veins so you could get the fuck away from this guy. But he has somehow convinced you, as some people do, that you need their consent to end the relationship. You do not need his consent to end this relationship.

[00:13:51] If what you want is a partner who is single, who you can partner with, who you can have kids with, it's not going to be him. It's never going to be him. You're 32 years old. You've been seeing this motherfucker for six years. Your fertility window is rapidly, I want to say closing. A lot of people now have babies late into their 30s, even into their 40s, but it's getting more perilous.

[00:14:21] You will have more hoops to jump and finding somebody that you want to have a family with and then having that family with him. That's going to take some time, an investment of time, on the front end before you can find that guy. And that's the guy that you want. And this guy ain't that guy. You say you got the impression early on that he was going to leave his wife for you. I wonder where you got that impression. I'm thinking he made that impression upon you.

[00:14:50] That was clearly a lie. Please allow yourself to get angry about it. I'm sure he's charismatic. I'm sure there is something lovable about him, something that attracts you to him. Get angry. He is using whatever charisma he has to get everything he wants out of and into you and you are getting nothing that you want or deserve

[00:15:20] from a relationship out of him. And the gall of this man, again, I just want to inject the hatred I feel in my heart for him right into your veins, the gall of this man to be jealous when you get out there and try to meet other people when he is going home every night to the wife that he is lying and cheating on. Holy fucking shit. The nerve of this man. Look, life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Sometimes people

[00:15:50] are out there doing what they need to do in order to stay married and stay sane. I have seen married people with kids who are staying together with the kids who have affair partners and it's Tali or it's D-A-D-T or it's just straight up fucking cheating and that ain't great. And I've seen people in those kinds of relationships really appreciate their affair partners for what they're doing for them and being in their corner actually wanting their affair partners to have more and better

[00:16:20] than they're able to give them and cheering them on not having jealous fits and rages when their affair partners get out there date other people and gradually get themselves into a position where they have to end the affair they're having with that married person who won't leave their spouse because they have kids. That's not what he's doing. He's not like we can be together to the extent that we can be together for now and enjoy each other and I'm so appreciative of you and I want for you the same things that you want for you and so

[00:16:48] when you meet somebody else and I want you out there actively trying to meet somebody else when you meet that person I will step off graciously and with gratitude and thank. No, that's not what he's doing. He's blowing up at you. He's jealous and controlling. No, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Don't fuck this guy. Stop fucking this guy. You know what you need to do. You have to end this relationship and you have to disabuse yourself of this notion that so many people struggle with that you need their permission his permission to end this relationship.

[00:17:19] He's going to be unhappy about it. His peace on the side is going to cut him the fuck off and he is not going to be happy about it and you are going to have to power through his unhappiness and recognize that he's like a gas that expands to fill all the space that you make available to him and yeah, you probably haven't had much success out there dating or on the apps or anything else because you just keep defaulting to him because he's safe he's comfortable he's a known entity and a piece of shit

[00:17:48] who is manipulating you and lying to you and has been since the start where did you get that impression that he would leave his wife for you from him it was a lie get angry you know what you need to do end this relationship be miserable be alone don't succumb to the temptation to crawl back on that dick there is so much dick out there sloshing around in the world better dick attached to better men and single men

[00:18:18] go find some this episode is brought to you by Squarespace they make it easy to build a website blog or online store Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain showcase your offerings with a professional website grow your brand all in one place and I know because you may know the Lovecast has run out of the Stranger newspaper here in Seattle and we just started a new project called Noise Complaint it showcases local bands so it offers video and audio and links to other sites it's a little complicated

[00:18:47] and it was a breeze to put together because we use Squarespace we actually switched from another service and man are we glad we did and with Squarespace's analytics tools we'll be able to track where our website traffic is coming from what our visitors are looking for and how they're interacting with our content it's really great they're not playing around over at Squarespace they are here to lift you up head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use savage

[00:19:16] to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code savage hi there Dan I'm a gay man in the Pacific Northwest together with my partner for 10 years now he's wonderful and this isn't really a relationship in trouble this is more of just a can you help me kind of question I'm a healthcare provider I work long shifts in a critical care setting by the time I get home I'm depleted

[00:19:46] and I need quiet time to center myself my partner on the other hand works from home so he's isolated all day he's starved for conversation and the moment I walk in he's ready to talk our needs hit at the exact wrong moment he's also incredibly smart and gregarious and honestly the talking doesn't stop even after I get the rare time to decompress his chatter is constant

[00:20:16] during movies over whatever we're trying to watch when we're out with friends sometimes he'll ask a question to a friend and start talking over their answer before they can even finish what they wanted to say I'm more quiet and laid back by nature sometimes reflective sometimes social just not non-stop either way but he's told me that my quiet reads to him as quote the silent treatment

[00:20:44] like I'm punishing him when really it's just who I am I've gently asked him privately to talk less and listen more it just doesn't seem to land he gets hurt and resentful separately and this is my real problem I've got close friendships that I've formed before this relationship and when my friends plan trips they invite my partner too it's just that

[00:21:14] I don't always want him along actually I crave some alone time where I have some degree of free agency I want some trips that are just mine every time I bring any of this up he says something like I want to be around you all the time I never want to be without you and he gets hurt like I'm telling him that I don't love him I do love him I just never have the opportunity to be by

[00:21:43] myself or with my friends without his presence and as a reminder I never get the house to myself he has solitude all week I have none and I need a release valve to actually stay sane so Dan two things first how do I get him to hear I need space as something different from I don't want you without this turning into a fight and secondly in your

[00:22:13] experience how do other long-term couples who occasionally take separate vacations actually calibrate that is there a healthy ratio or how have they even breached this conversation I want these trips solo trips to function for me more as a release valve and I hope they don't land to him feeling like a threat to our relationship I feel you years

[00:22:43] ago I was editing The Stranger in Seattle the alternative weekly newspaper I was writing my column I writing books I was directing plays and home and I would come home and I would be completely wrung out having been talking to people all day long interviewing people managing people editing stories and I was spent

[00:23:13] to the point where my eyes were crossing and I would walk through the door and Terry would want to talk and he would get hurt that I did not want to talk and he had the ability however to do something that it doesn't sound like your partner has the ability to do we took a big step outside this dynamic where I kept coming home and

[00:23:45] the problem I was beginning to take my time getting home I would stop in a bar we lived on an island in Puget Sound at this point of our relationship and I would occasionally miss the ferry and have to take a later ferry and it was just me trying to meet my own need for some downtime and quiet without having to risk hurting Terry's feelings by asking him for that taking that

[00:24:15] from him I needed space he heard me say that but eventually I had to just take it and that's my advice for you your partner has heard you say that you need some time you need some time to unwind to not be talking to anybody he's heard you but he ignores it which means you're just going to have to take it and if your partner is not mature enough as

[00:24:45] to him to be cruel or because I didn't care about what he had to say but just obviously I was exhausted and spent and needed a moment he was to

[00:25:15] be of missing the ferry and having to take the later ferry if your partner is unreasonable and irrational about it sometimes our partners are unreasonable and irrational and we have to find the work around their unreasonableness and irrationality that preserves our sanity without really gratuitously or unnecessarily hurting their

[00:25:46] journey home is there a bar you can stop in where nobody knows your name and you can just have a drink alone and a half an hour of quiet before you toss yourself back into the woodchipper that is your partner's mouth when you get home as for the vacations thing yeah it is good to take separate vacations Terry just went to Norway for a heavy metal Swedish

[00:26:16] death metal rock festival I would rather be thrown into a woodchipper than go to a heavy metal Swedish death metal rock festival in some small town in Norway he went on his own and I was happy for him and time apart is good there's studies you could look them up do a little googling they're out there studies that show that people in long term relationships who occasionally take separate vacations have healthier more stable more loving more secure relationships

[00:26:45] you could lay that data out in front of your partner and say this is what we want right healthy stable loving secure this is one way for us to get there it's not that I don't want to spend a lot of time with you it's just my god the cliche is true sometimes a little absence makes the

[00:27:22] attend but actually kind of interested in hearing about how they worked what the mosh pits were like what the scene was like what he felt being there happy to hear about it but again Terry for all his faults and me for all my faults Terry is rational it doesn't sound like your partner is entirely rational so I think you're going to have to find the work around sometimes sparing is caring you should be able to tell your partner I

[00:27:52] don't want to talk for an hour after I get home because I'm exhausted but if you can't say the fairy into your daily routine this episode is brought to you by foria makers of awaken arousal oil intimacy melts and sex oil imagine the best orgasm or sex you've ever had now imagine that that

[00:28:21] orgasm could be even better and it could be with products that are designed to naturally enhance sexual pleasure and make your orgasms bigger and better products like awaken arousal oil a juicy warm up that helps you get really turned on increasing your pleasure deepening your orgasms and increasing your connection with your partner it's made with cbd and warming sensation inducing organic botanicals that enhance arousal sensitivity access to orgasm and just you know

[00:28:51] overall pleasure best of all awaken and its application the two of those things together that combo platter just turns you on in a consumer perception study conducted by citrus labs 92% of respondents felt more aroused and 92% reached orgasm I sex oil and intimacy melts awaken stimulates her

[00:29:20] arousal and increases sensation intimacy melts helps her experience deep internal waves of pleasure sex oil lubricates during sex and creates a juicy experience for all this magic combination creates the ultimate sexual experience and will take your connection with your partner to the next level experience your juiciest and deepest sensual experiences with Boria Boria is offering a special deal for my listeners get 20% off your first order by visiting

[00:29:49] foriawellness.com slash savage or by using the code savage at checkout that's f-o-r-i-a wellness.com slash savage for 20% off your first order I recommend trying awaken or their pleasure set with all three of their best sellers let them know the lovecast sent you foriawellness.com slash savage for 20% off your first order hey Dan I love fingering guys but every

[00:30:19] so often I will meet a guy whose smell will stay on my hand no matter what I do I will wash and I will wash and I will fucking wash and still like I still can smell ass on my hand what the fuck am I doing wrong joining me to help tackle this very difficult question Zach Noe Towers is a comedian he has a new stand-up special on YouTube called Twink Death and he will be touring the United States starting in September Zach welcome back to the Savage Love Cast

[00:30:49] hi Dan thanks for having me back it's been too long it has been too long so this question have you ever confronted this problem you asked it wouldn't wash off I am usually the one getting fingered and the whole time I was listening I was like oh no have I stained men's hands with my inner booty hole but no I don't think he's doing anything wrong I think maybe that just means

[00:31:19] you if you're retaining their scent like that I think it means maybe like you might be allergic to this person this might be like the first flare up and if you go more it'll just get worse I'm assuming these guys aren't painting his fingers that this is just the scent of ass that's lingering and not shit also are we

[00:31:53] not good not good if there's not something psychosomatic going on here where he can detect the scent of something on his hands after he's finger fucked somebody but it's in his head and not on his hands if he's scrubbing because I've never encountered this I mean there have been times when I can smell someone on my hands and I kind of like it because it doesn't smell like shit it just smells like

[00:32:23] musk and man like who hasn't smelled their fingers on the way home from a really great sexual experience whenever you were fingering but I think maybe like sometimes listen to the call is there some shame here about butt stuff and then he smells things that aren't there is it psychosomatic is it not in his under his fingernails but actually in his head so it's like it's he said he loves fingering guys so I think he fingers a lot I think

[00:33:08] do-do smell that just stains whoever touches it okay I think we've answered this question I think we've exhausted all possibilities and the question was just an excuse to get you on the show because I

[00:33:38] who's awful to LGBT people in Turkey refused to let the ship dock as planned and then the itinerary was changed to Alexandria which then also refused to let the ship dock what was that like you were on that boat with Patti Lupone who was not having it what was it like to be on that boat how did that play with the 1800 guys you know at first it was very much like we knew about Turkey before we even left port so I think we had this

[00:34:08] this like rebellious like you don't want us that's fine we'll do something else we line up Egypt and I will say the Egypt saying no homo in the middle of the night was jarring because it's like we had the approval from Egypt also I think people miss in this story that like we weren't just thrusting ourselves upon these ports like these ports had accepted Atlantis cruises for like 20 plus years

[00:34:38] this is like a first time that they've said you actually can't come here so I think those things combined like our backup nixed is it really threw people and people got you know gay guys gay guys who have money they were pissed that like their excursions were canceled they were pissed that we were at sea for another day instead of in a port but like Atlantis is really good at like you

[00:35:08] know smoothing the edges they added extra entertainment they did like like fun meal stuff Atlantis really did their best to change things up but it was weird it like it felt very like surreal like I still have trouble grasping that it happened I mean if we were going to play oppression olympics being forced to stay on the boat with 1800 guys in speedos with plenty of alcohol and comedians and Patti Lupone performing

[00:35:37] as oppression goes can't hold a candle to what LGBT people go through trying to survive in Egypt trying to survive in Istanbul I particularly ache for the gay community in Istanbul which for many years was out there was a pride parade it was the only pride parade in the Muslim world and under Erdogan who's a fascist there's been this performative crackdown on queer people because one of the ways you can assert your moral superiority as backward should whole like

[00:36:07] Russia is to say well at least whatever else we're doing we're not letting those people get married and actually we're throwing them in jail and fucking with them so like keeping our eyes on the people who really suffer the queer community in Turkey it was galling that the refusal of this port and yeah like some people got online and made some posts that other people took issue with because there was this sense of entitlement like

[00:36:37] the gay tourist dollar should trump all other considerations that was me that was me it had to be a weird vibe it had yeah I mean and I will say I was one of those people like I did a little reel or tiktok and I was kind of flabbergasted that like a country would turn away tourists when like I feel like a lot of these like port cities like do make a lot of their money from tours stopping there so it was very short sighted of me to

[00:37:07] even bring that into play and I think it's important to hold at the same time that like America is a relatively homophobic country as well but it doesn't reflect the views of most of the people in it so I would hope that like we still do go to Turkey like maybe not via a gay cruise and we still do go people there aren't reflected by the government do you know

[00:37:36] yeah especially in a big city like Istanbul Istanbul is the New York City the Los Angeles of Turkey I've never been on a gay cruise you couldn't pay me to go on a gay cruise you get paid to go on gay cruises do you enjoy them I do I will say I think if you're on the fence about a gay cruise there is a gay cruise out there for everyone and it is like summer camp vibes it's like different you know you bring

[00:38:06] your your little like different like outfits for the dance parties the the cruise ships have nice dinners and the entertainment is obviously very good and you get to see different parts of the world like I have not paid to be on one but getting paid to be on a day cruise and just like suck suck suck suck dicks all over the place like it's it's a I must have smelled amazing after a couple of days at sea they smell like

[00:38:36] uncut cock Dan oh that takes us to our next question for you Zach that's a really great transition thank you for the segue there's more and if you subscribe right now you will find out what Zach Noe Towers thinks about uncut cocks go to savage.love right now to become a sub and get all the extras subs get more calls more guests no

[00:39:06] ads invites to savage.love live so much more savage.love become a sub this episode is brought to you by load boost by VB health every guy wants to finish strong if you've ever wished you finished bigger a little more fireworks and your finale let me tell you about load boost from VB health this doctor formulated supplement offers increased semen volume enhanced orgasm intensity and even better taste so your partner will thank you the ingredients are 100% scientifically backed and designed to improve

[00:39:35] sperm health prostate function and overall experience it's vegan loaded with nutrients and manufactured in the USA with top tier quality ingredients if you want to increase your semen volume try it out VB health also just released energy boost a pre-workout supplement built around well-studied effective ingredients for blood flow energy and focus VB health check them out they have so much to offer head to load boost dot com and use my exclusive code savage to get 10% off or click

[00:40:05] the link in the episode description it's time to elevate your performance and with load boost you might just become someone's new favorite performer and new favorite flavor that's loadboost dot com and use my exclusive code savage hi dan i am a bisexual mid 40s woman in the northeast and here's my situation i've been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year and it's been a wonderful adventure i have

[00:40:35] two kids who are with me half of the time a preteen and a teenager they have met my boyfriend numerous times they both really like him which is just the sweetest thing to see but they don't know that he is married we both non-monogamous i also sometimes date other people i haven't wanted to tell my kids because it's coming so soon on the heels of their

[00:41:05] father and i separating and it just feels like so much destabilization of their understanding of how relationships work and i feel hesitant to to cause them like more confusion on that front and also i feel like it would be a lot to unload on them not only is my boyfriend non-monogamous and married but i too am dating other people oh and some of those people are women and they have no idea about that either that aspect

[00:41:34] of my sexuality so we're coming up on a big multi-family dinner for rosh shana and it looks like my boyfriend will be there the other adults at the dinner know that my boyfriend is married no one is very supportive of this arrangement i think it just makes no sense to them this is their first real encounter with non-monogamy but i feel comfortable asking them hey like let's not talk about this person's marriage because my kids will be there at this dinner

[00:42:05] the problem is that there will be other children at this dinner too and one of them particular is very sharp and observant and i'm worried that this kid is going to notice my boyfriend's wedding ring and ask him what the deal is and that's a possibility that i don't know how to work through or guard against or i just don't know how to approach this situation my boyfriend has become very important to me

[00:42:35] as a major figure in my life and you know someone who i hope will be part of my life for a while still to come it'd be great for him to be there and part of this family celebration but do i risk the chance of being outed to my kids how about asking your boyfriend to take his wedding ring off if you're really concerned that young sherlock holmes over at the end of the table is going to

[00:43:04] start lobbing questions across the room at your boyfriend in front of your kids seems to me that removing the wedding ring temporarily wearing a bandage over the wedding ring maybe is something your boyfriend should be willing to do out of consideration for your desire to continue to slow roll this relationship i gotta say though preteen teen your kids probably have some idea what's going on your kids have eyes

[00:43:34] your kids have met your boyfriend your boyfriend presumably has had his wedding ring on in front of your kids your kids are culturally conversant they know what a wedding ring is they know what finger an adult human male wears a wedding ring on and they've seen that wedding ring they probably clocked it when you and your ex-husband removed your wedding rings so odds are that they have some idea or are consciously or subconsciously aware that your boyfriend

[00:44:03] is wearing a wedding ring and is not married to you preteen teen there's a good chance your kids have discussed this with each other now i do think adult children we have a right to run our parents on a need-to-know basis also parents of children we can run our children on a need-to-know basis wise not to introduce your kids to somebody that you are

[00:44:33] dating especially if your kids have just gone through the trauma of a divorce of their parents separating and divorcing hopefully you don't say how the divorce went hopefully it was amicable and you and your former husband have put the needs emotional needs of your kids first and haven't gone to war with each other and hopefully you were dating this guy for a while before you introduced him to your kids sounds like you've done everything right the question now is

[00:45:02] when how you tell your kids that your boyfriend is married to somebody else that you're poly monogamous that you're dating other people including other women when do you come out to your kids and I think the best advice is to get out in front of it what you don't want is for your kids to suspect something is going on for your kids to think that there's a secret that's either

[00:45:32] being kept from them or a secret they've become aware of stumbled over evidence of that they now have to keep for instance if your teenager has been in the house has heard something seen something knows something about your boyfriend about the fact that you're seeing other people and you don't know that he knows it and he doesn't know that you don't know that he knows it

[00:46:09] their younger sibling which is a burden you don't want to put on the shoulders of a teenager and the problem for you know adults in open relationships or whose relationships have changed over time who have older still minor children and that's always the trap you know adults and our relationships and our relationship to relationships can evolve and change over the course of our lives and the course of our children's

[00:46:39] lives and when do you tell your children your new truth that assumptions that were accurate that you allowed them to make or encourage them to make not assumptions at all the truth about your relationship with your husband and how you conducted yourself in relationships in the past that that's no longer operative and I think you really do have to come through with the truth if there's any chance that your kids are going to find out for themselves and it's really

[00:47:09] hard if you're living with teenagers to keep secrets from them they see everything they go through everything they lurk around corners they overhear conversations better they hear it from you than piece it together themselves they've already met your boyfriend they've seen the wedding ring maybe before this big rosh shana dinner you have a conversation with your kids about the reality of your situation now

[00:47:38] that your boyfriend whom you love and who they already like a lot is married and the adult relationships are complicated I think your kids having lived through a divorce already know that adult relationships are complicated get out in front of it tell them all right time for listener feedback first up a few comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage.love says by Dan fan hey Dan excellent advice for the bi

[00:48:08] woman who lacks confidence with women I would only add caller you may never have the same level of confidence with women as you do with men for the reasons Dan said men are just easy easier so your failure rate with women will inevitably be a bit higher but that's okay it's not because you're undesirable it's because women are pickier go into interactions expecting that a rejection is probable but remember that's okay too and is not a referendum on you says Beatrice to the caller

[00:48:38] asking about I'm going to try this here we go bilateral salping ectomy aka getting your tubes tied I had mine done in Australia a couple of years ago at age 43 I was having endometrial ablation for iron deficiency from heavy periods and decided to get my tubes out at the same time I had it done laproscopically and felt fine the next day I

[00:49:20] someone else has already said this but Dolly Parton wasn't Polly she was Dolly Monious I can't believe I missed it either Dolly Parton Polly Dolly Polly Darton or as Bi Dan Fan jumped in to suggest Dolly Amorous which rolls off the tongue a little easier than Dolly Monious Bi Dan Fan suggests we

[00:49:50] Dolly Parton and I endorse this update to the sexual lexicon got something to say about something I said jump into the comment thread at savage.love and drop it in the comments or give us a call at 206 302 2064 or send us a voice memo at savage.love and drop it in our ears if you want to say it out

[00:50:20] loud here on the show and now savage.love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word as you

[00:51:20] good good good good good my tubes tied was one of the best decisions I ever made hey Dan this is in response to episode 1034 the caller calling about the UCMJ and adultery

[00:52:31] information your and your

[00:53:01] disgust I'm wondering if this might be something that's being caused by the mushrooms and not being caused by the sobriety or the boyfriend's drinking or anything else. Something to consider. And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me. Got a comment for us. Go to savage.love.com. Ask Dan to record and upload your question or comment directly on our website.

[00:53:26] Or you can email us a voicememo at q at savage.love or give us a call at 206-302-2064. If you tried something new and you want to tell me and my listeners all about it, email us about what you tried. Send that email to q at savage.love and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. The fall 2026 season of Hump hits the road next week. Shows are already selling out.

[00:53:52] Turns out watching dirty little films in a theater full of strangers is a perfectly acceptable and respectable group activity. Get your tickets now at humpfilmfest.com. Call it personal growth. Your therapist will approve. And if you've ever wanted to be in Hump, this is your chance. While you're on the website, click on submissions to find out how you can get your film in the 2027 Hump Film Festival. Follow me at bluesky at dan savage. Follow me on Instagram at dan savage.

[00:54:21] Follow Zach Noe Towers on Instagram at Zach Noe Towers. Watch his new stand-up special, Twink Death, on YouTube right now. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian. And me and Nancy and the techs have you at rescue. We will all be back at you next week on installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading.