Savage Lovecast Episode 1034

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_06] The Strangers Genius Awards are back, celebrating Seattle's art and culture community with an awards show and cash prizes. Hosted by Miss Texas 1988 and Lady Gugu, Shabazz Palace's headlines with DJ sets by Eric Blood and La Mala Noche, Saturday, September 12th at the Moore Theatre, tickets start at $10 and are on sale now at strangergeniusawards.com.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_06] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un!

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00] James I was one of us. One of us homos. King of Scotland, son of Mary, Queen of Scots, the man who ascended to the throne of England upon the death of his cousin, Queen Elizabeth I. Her dad was Henry VIII. His great-great-grandfather was Henry VII, Henry VIII's dad, blah, blah, blah. Born in 1566 in Edinburgh, died in 1625 in England. James I. None of those details are really that important.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_00] Here's what's important about King James I. He was famous for two things, sucking dick and commissioning an English language translation of the Old and New Testaments in 1604. This translation of the Bible, known as the King James Version, is famous for its soaring language, let there be light, and it has been now for more than 400 years. The Bible preferred by 9 out of 10 homophobic Bible thumpers.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_00] So if you're gay and you grew up being yelled at by homophobes, it was always really fun to tell the Bible thumper that they had a gay man to thank for the Bible they were holding and thumping in their hands. Now, James did have a wife, Anne of Denmark. He did his duty. He had kids, heirs to the throne, but his heart wasn't in it. His heart wasn't in Anne of Denmark.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00] His part was, his part was in his wife every once in a while, seven kids, but his heart and his part belonged to his male favorites, Robert and George. There is, of course, some debate among historians about the exact nature of James' relationship to his favorites.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00] I would direct readers and lovers of great books, though, to the new biography of James I by British historian and past Savage Lovecast guest Gareth Russell, published in England under the title Queen James, but for some reason that makes no sense. Published in the United States under the much less entertaining title The Six Loves of James I. Why? Queen James is a much better title, and Queen James is what James I's contemporaries called him behind his blown-out back.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00] So this debate, was James I gay, is ridiculous, as his own letters to his male favorites prove. His letters survive, and historians have been poring over James I's letters to his favorites for centuries, and any honest reading of them leads to no other conclusion besides this dude, this king of England and Ireland and Scotland was gay.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00] I'm paraphrasing here, but historians would read James' letters, letters that read, Dear George, my royal throat longs to be wrapped around your big cock again. Come back to court soon. Love, Jimmy. And they would scratch their heads and throw up their hands and pretend we could never know exactly what was going on here. But, come on. He was clearly one of us. One of us gays. There is no other possible interpretation.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00] Please go read Gareth Russell's Queen James if you are still a doubter. Now, how is any of this relevant? Well, this week I found myself reading about Dolly Parton's death, reading about her amazing life, what an amazing, giving, generous person she was, and at some point I started to think, oh my God, she's one of us. I don't mean gay. I don't think there's any evidence Dolly Parton was a lesbian,

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00] but it is pretty clear if you listen to what she said and read what she wrote, that Dolly and her husband, Carl Dean, were open. I want to pause for a moment here to complain about death. Actually, I'm going to complain to death. Dude, you decide to take out a couple of 80-year-olds last week and you go with Dolly Parton and Tim Curry? Jesus, death. Do better. Aim lower. Okay, full disclosure.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00] I was not convinced by the first bit of evidence I saw flying around on Instagram that people were holding up as proof that Dolly and Carl, her husband of more than 60 years, had an open marriage. Vanity Fair republished an interview Dolly did with them in 2012. She did the famous Proust questionnaire. It's a series of rapid-fire questions designed to get a celebrity to share their true nature. And in response to the question, what do you consider the most overrated virtue,

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00] Dolly said, monogamy. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant monotony. It doesn't make sense. The walkback doesn't make any sense at all because monotony, unlike monogamy, is not a virtue. So was this a tell? Seemed pretty flimsy evidence to me. Not nearly enough. I mean, my mom, who was very committed to monogamy, would jokingly describe her marriage as a loving and monotonous one and then laugh and correct herself and say, oh, did I say monotonous?

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00] I meant monogamous. But then, a couple of hours later, there was this, a compilation of interview clips posted to Entertainment Tonight's Instagram in which Dolly described her marriage to Carl in these terms.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_11] I really believe that that was one of God's greatest gifts to give me Carl Dean because he's so accepting, understanding. He's always allowed me my freedom. And he's not jealous. He knows I'm always coming home. I know I'm always going home. We're just really very compatible. Why don't we ever see him? Because he's too pretty.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_02] I'm afraid to let him out. He's got more girlfriends than any guy that you'd ever know. But I don't think that he's going to bed with him. And if he does, as long as I don't know about it, as long as it don't hurt me in some way, I could care less. And that's exactly how he feels.

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00] As long as I don't know about it, I could care less. Same goes for him. That sure sounds like D-A-D-T to me. Maybe even shades of Tali. And then there was this, which was published by Dolly Parton in her memoir, Dolly, My Life and Other Unfinished Business. Carl has had various people and even family members approach him to say, I was having an affair with this or that person.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00] Carl would simply say, well, I would think less of any man that didn't fall in love with her. And he means it. He seems to have an understanding of how I am and how people are toward me. He seems to know that I'll be back and that love affairs and relationships are just part of my dealings with people. He knows that I will always come home. And as long as I live, we'll always be together. That's all that matters to him.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00] But British historians didn't want to think James I was gay because homosexuality was wrong. And they didn't want to think one of their very own kings could be gay. So they ignored the evidence in James' own letters, evidence that had been staring them in their faces for 400 years. And now, yeah, it seems pretty clear to me based on evidence that's been staring us in the face for decades now. Evidence Dolly laid before us.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00] That Dolly and Dean loved each other very much, but they were not strictly monogamous. They were open or Tali or D-A-D-T. And we didn't see it because we didn't want to think our queen could be open. Seems pretty clear in Dolly Parton's own words that she and Dean made it work the way so many of us make it work.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00] A little leeway here, some allowance there, even some enjoyment of other people finding your partner attractive. They were committed to each other, but they were never monotonous. All right, coming up on this week's show, more kink jewelry. Last week, we heard from a woman who didn't know what to do after her five-year-old nephew asked for a padlock and chain necklace. This week, a man wants to know about those little keys people are wearing on chains around their necks,

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00] what they mean, and what you're allowed to say about them to people who are wearing them. Next week, hopefully, we'll get a question about secret slave collar necklaces popular with former British prime ministers, if you know, you know. Also on this week's show, a woman wants to wean herself off faking orgasms. Another woman wants to help her trans sister come out to her family. And on the Magnum, I nerd out with evolutionary biologist Dr. Li Xing Sun about his new book on the origin of sex. That's on the Magnum, my subscription version of the show.

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00] Subs get more questions, more guests, and no ads when they become subs. You can become a sub right now at savage.love. And that's not all Magnum subs get around here. More questions, more guests, no ads. Magnum subs also get invitations to Savage Love Live. It was supposed to happen last week, but I got really sick and died last week. I am better now. So it is back on Savage Love Live this Thursday, noon Pacific time.

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00] Come and chat with me, other Savage Love Cast Magnum subs, and this guy named Tom who lives in my house and sleeps with my husband. You can ask him anything. My husband's boyfriend is coming on Savage Love Live. This is your opportunity to see me and Tom interacting with each other and to ask Tom anything. A-T-A. Doesn't mean he has to answer everything, but you can ask anything.

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00] Magnum subs, look in your email inboxes on Thursday morning for the link to Savage Love Live. If you are not yet a sub and you want to join us for this very special edition of Savage Love Live, meet Dan's Metamore, go to savage.love right now and become a sub by subscribing. All right, on to the first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of my favorite mattress or mattresses in the universe. Right now, my listeners get up to 30% off when you go to helixsleep.com slash savage.

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00] This episode is brought to you by Aria, an intimacy membership with a personal intimacy concierge to help you and your partner bring true excitement back into your sex life. Right now, Aria is offering my listeners $10 off your first month at getaria.com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Quince, high quality essential clothing at radically low prices. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use.

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_00] Head to quince.com slash savage for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince.com slash savage.

[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_06] Hey, everybody. It's Nancy. And guess what? We're going to do another quickie show. That's where you keep your questions to under one minute. And Dan is somehow going to keep his answers to under three minutes. I'm going to tell him he's got three minutes to answer your questions. So send them in. Send them in right now. And we'll have that show ready for you in a little bit. And for these quickie shows, you really can't ask anything at all.

[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_06] Like, ask Dan what he's been reading or ask Dan what he thinks about this or that. Or ask Dan to share his top secret recipe for coconut bars that he makes at Christmas. But keep it quick. Record your question on your phone and send it to q at savage.love. Or you can call us up. 206-302-2064. Make it quick.

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_04] Hi, Dan, Nancy, and the tech savvy at Rescues. I am a 35-year-old cis man living in the Pacific Northwest. My husband and I have been married for the past nine years. We are both serving active duty in the military. And I was hoping that you might know of a lawyer that is familiar with the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_04] The reason we ask is because we're considering the possibility of opening up our relationship to special guest stars or playing together, playing separate. And a concern is the possibility of contracting STIs. Yes, we have medical care through the military.

[00:12:43] [SPEAKER_04] But there's a concern that if we go see our primary care provider to receive MPOX, vaccine, doxypap, and PrEP, that that might raise a red flag or be cause for a referral for potential violation of the UCMJ. Because adultery is an article within the UCMJ, which we could be found in violation of. So any help that you can provide would be really great.

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_00] Rob Henderson is the kind of, sort of socially conservative, coded writer, thinker, substacker. I had him on the show. He wrote the book Troubled, a memoir of foster care family and social class. And one of the things I regretted afterwards, not really challenging him on, is one of the arguments he makes in Troubled is that poly people need to be less mean and judgy and shamey of monogamous people.

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00] And it's just really ironic that no poly people have ever come together to pass a law to make not committing adultery a crime. To compel people not to be monogamous in the same way that adultery through the centuries, through the millennia, has been a crime. And a crime punishable, in some instances, by death.

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_00] And right now, the Uniform Code of Military Justice that you cited, adultery is a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. And a person can be tried, prosecuted, dishonorably discharged if they commit adultery. And I wish I'd tossed that out there to Rob, because he was subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which banned fucking around.

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_00] And there are no examples out there of meany, meany, meany, non-monogamous people forcing people who want to be monogamous to actually be open. So there you are. You are in a monogamous relationship. You are in the military. You are married. You would like to open your relationship. And you have this concern. If there are any military lawyers out there in my listenership, please give us a call. Let us know the risk they're actually running here.

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_00] My hunch, and I confirmed it with a quick Google, is that these sorts of violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice are rare. If the military was conducting witch hunts to find Air Force pilots or enlisted men or people on boats who were committing adultery, and they were discharging people and trying people, we would hear about it.

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_00] This is an instance where the absence of evidence actually is evidence of absence. This would make the news. So I don't think that you and your husband, if you go and ask for PrEP and you get the M-pox vaccines that you should have already gotten, are going to be flagged for some sort of witch hunty investigation.

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_00] There were witch hunts in the military to find gay people prior to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, under Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and expel them from the military. The military has never seemed as exercised about finding people who are fucking around on their spouses and discharging them, unless the adultery comes bundled with other problems, makes other problems for the military.

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_00] If there's a chain of command violation, if there is unit disruption, if the way in which you're conducting yourself brings discredit to your branch of service or to the military. So if you and your husband are copacetic, if you and your husband aren't fucking people under you in the chain of command, if you're just out there fucking civilians together, and you're not causing a scandal,

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_00] and I don't know how in our Trumpified world with Pete Hegseth running the Department of Defense, anybody else, considering the things that he did to women, could cause a scandal that would rise to the level of a prosecution under the uniform code of military justice. So I think you'll be fine. That said, tossing this out there. Any lawyers? Any jags out there?

[00:17:09] [SPEAKER_00] Want to call in, give your expert advice to this guy, to this couple, before they start inviting those very special guest stars into their relationship? Give us a call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of not my favorite mattress, singular, but my favorite mattresses, plural. My husband's mattress, my mattress, my boyfriend's mattress, the guest room mattress. Frankly, the best place to be is on a Helix mattress.

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_00] Helix makes the mattresses that enable two of my absolute favorite things in the world, sleep and sex, not in that order. With Helix, you take a sleep quiz that makes buying a mattress easy. It matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. We have the Midnight Luxe models at our place, and I love each and every one of them so much, as does my husband and our very special guest stars. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S.,

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_00] and they offer seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk-free customer-first experience designed to ensure you are completely satisfied with and on your new mattress. And I promise you, you will be. They also offer a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. This is why Helix is the most awarded mattress brand. Tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. And get this just for you right now.

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_00] My listeners get up to 30% off. Now is the time to invest in your coziness. Go right now. Do it for yourself. Do it for your partner. Do it for your very special guest stars. Right now, go to helixsleep.com slash savage for up to 30% off. This is an amazing discount. Up to 30% off. Let them know the love cast sent you. Helixsleep.com slash savage.

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_08] Hi, Dan. So this is a little inspired by a call a couple weeks ago when a lesbian called in who was frustrated that she used to be able to get her partner off and now was unable to. And I feel like I've been on the other side of that. And back in earlier times of my life, I probably used to fake it too much.

[00:19:25] [SPEAKER_08] And one of the ways I feel like I would try to correct that would be to slowly not fake it as much and like ease them out of like things are different now or try and give some reason when really I just am trying to get off and not fake it anymore. And hearing her call made me kind of wonder if there's a better way to do that. So in general, I don't anymore.

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_08] But on occasion, you might allow an assumption of an orgasm or something. And then when you stop making that assumption or like, is there a better way to tell a partner like, hey, I've been faking it? Or is it better to slow burn the like, just what you were doing before doesn't work anymore?

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_00] Each faked orgasm is a lie. How do you stop telling those lies without if it's somebody that you were fucking casually at first, so it didn't matter, didn't seem to matter so much because you weren't sure you were going to see them again.

[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_00] But then that, as it sometimes does, becomes somebody that you begin to click with and you keep seeing them and you keep faking orgasms because you don't want them to suddenly think that what worked the first couple of times you hooked up somehow isn't working. Ten years into your marriage, it's a trap. It's a trap that women can paint themselves into. And how do you walk that back?

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_00] I think it's better to maybe tell one more lie, to mislead one last time. And you touched on it. My strategy, actually, my spare his ego strategy in your question, in your call, which is stop. Just stop.

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_00] And rather than saying, oh, hey, I lied to you, I've really never had an orgasm, which legitimately that person has a right unless they're an insensitive lover who didn't care about your pleasure anyway. But if they were sincerely invested in your pleasure and willing to do what it took to make you come and you were allowing them to think that what they were doing was what it took, that rug pull can leave that person feeling humiliated and embarrassed and inadequate.

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_00] And it could do real damage to their ability to trust you and still be there for you sexually and want to be there for you sexually. You know, in a way, the lie that is the faked orgasm can do more damage to the kind of guy that you would want to keep having sex with than it would do to the guy who really doesn't care whether you're coming or not, whether you're getting off or not, who isn't invested in your pleasure.

[00:22:14] [SPEAKER_00] The kind of guy that you might want to keep fucking is exactly the kind of guy that this lie could really hurt. And ultimately, potentially derail the relationship. So stop telling the lie and tell one last lie like my orgasms have become a little bit more elusive. And maybe it's about age. Maybe there's something else at play here.

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_00] But, you know, the things we were doing, the moves we were busting out before that kind of worked for me reliably. Yeah, I don't know. They're just not working for me reliably anymore. Maybe we should try this, this, this. And you know how you call it. Hopefully you masturbate. And you know how you come. You know what it takes.

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00] One of my observations about the fundamental sexual incompatibility of males and females, men and women, is this way that young men arrive at their first sexual relationship, young straight men, experts in how to get themselves off. What angle? What kind of penetration? Shaft stimulation or direct stimulation to the glands? And for how long?

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_00] Men arrive at partnered sex have been masturbating their fucking dicks off for five, six, seven years. And they know what it takes. And they know how it works. And they're gonna show you, maybe using their words, but maybe just using angles and positions and strokes. And women all too often don't arrive at partnered sex, straight women at partnered sex, knowing what it takes. Because a lot of young women don't masturbate, aren't encouraged to masturbate.

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_00] And then they look at this, like, 20-year-old dude. And they're like, make me come. And then they feel like they need to come. And he's still like porn. And he seems invested, but he doesn't know what he's doing. And you're not showing him. And so you fake an orgasm. And you get into this trap where it's 15 years later and you're married to this dude and you're still faking orgasms. And how do you walk that back without destroying his ego, hurting his feelings?

[00:24:16] [SPEAKER_00] And I hate to frame it like this because it sounds like I'm prioritizing men's feelings over women's pleasure. But women have to take responsibility for painting themselves into this fucking corner. And how do you paint yourself out of this corner? How do you get yourself out of this corner without destroying the relationship that you don't want to destroy and hurting this person's feelings, who you like, whose feelings you don't want to hurt? Sometimes sparing is caring.

[00:24:42] [SPEAKER_00] And complete total honesty, especially for what you have to be honest about is how dishonest you've been for a decade, may not be the right solution. One last lie. It's harder to make me come now than it was then. Here are the things I need, including this vibrator. And we're going to make it work together. We're going to go on a journey to figure out the mystery of why it's a little harder for me to come than it used to be. And it doesn't mean I'm any less attracted to you.

[00:25:10] [SPEAKER_00] It's just bodies change over time. And we've been together and things have changed. Let this be a warning out there to women who are seeing somebody new and have not yet faked an orgasm or have faked only one. Don't keep tiptoeing down that road. Don't fake orgasms. You can engage in copulatory vocalization.

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_00] Sometimes what women are doing during sex, the moaning, groaning, the squealing like guys do it too when you're bugging them, that is a response to sexual activity that's really hardwired. It's very much instinctual because it hurries a man along.

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_00] Copulatory vocalizations, which some men will mistake for orgasmic vocalizations, can get a man closer to orgasm faster. And it's sexy and hot. It's encouraging. It's like being cheered on. And that's not the same thing as orgasmic contractions or orgasmic vocalizations. And guys, you should be mature enough to know that and know the difference and not feel misled.

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_00] If she was screaming and yelling while you were fucking her and seemed to be having a great time, that might have been an orgasm, might not have been an orgasm. You should ask and offer and then not be heard. But ain't an orgasm. You have to work a little bit harder for that. So, yeah, men and women. I don't know how you guys work that out in the long run, but I'm here to help. You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on repeat?

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_00] The sweater that goes with everything, the perfect pair of pants, the tee that you somehow always reach for first. Those are the kinds of pieces that make getting dressed easy. And that's what Quince does best. And that's why I love Quince. I want to look good, but I don't want to have to think about it. I want it. I need it to be easy. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and merino wool.

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_00] The styles are timeless, versatile, and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for day after day. Their 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters start at just $60, giving you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. Quince also makes premium pants, fitted tees, and polos, and breathable activewear.

[00:27:42] [SPEAKER_00] Quality basics designed to work across your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear, which is important for me because when I like something, I will wear it every day. And everything at Quince is priced 50% to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high-quality, high-quality construction, high-quality materials, and not brand markup.

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_00] I've been wearing my Pima cotton Luke tee a lot, and my husband works out in his bamboo jersey lounge jogger like every fucking day. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything they make from hotel-quality bedding and bath to kitchen essentials and thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash savage.

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_00] Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK, too. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash savage. Quince.com slash savage.

[00:28:52] [SPEAKER_03] Hi, Dan. I am somebody in my early to mid-30s living in Europe. And I have absolutely no interest in having children. I'm happily married. My partner also has no interest in having children. That's something that we are completely aligned on. I've been on birth control since before I turned 20, mostly for acne and then obviously for its intended purpose.

[00:29:15] [SPEAKER_03] And now with the way the world is going, I'm from the US originally, but also the way Europe is headed, I am considering getting my tubes removed for permanent sterilization. And so if there are listeners, I trust other people that listen to this podcast. If they would be willing to let me know their experience, especially with recovery and any like pain that they've had.

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_03] I know I can find this on the internet, but again, I trust the people that listen to this show. I am seeing my gyno soon. I inquired about a vasectomy for my husband. And when she asked how old we are, which is we're both over 30, she was like, oh, you're a little young. So I anticipate a little pushback from her, especially where I live in Europe, which is very pro baby.

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_03] I would love people's insights into their experiences, getting their tubes removed or their tubes tied and how they healed, how long it took, any lasting impacts. I don't anticipate that I'll regret it. I'm more so like a little afraid of like the aftermath physically, even though I've had surgery before. So it wouldn't be a first time thing.

[00:30:22] [SPEAKER_00] I actually know a straight couple where the guy in the relationship got his tonsils out at the same time that his wife got her tubes tied and she was fine after two days and he was laid up for nearly two weeks. Tubal ligation is an invasive procedure. It does require surgery, but the recovery is pretty simple and easy for most women who undergo it.

[00:30:51] [SPEAKER_00] But still tossing your question out there. I am not a woman. I have not had my tubes tied. If you are a woman and you are listening and you have undergone this procedure and you would like to share, jump into the comment thread under this episode at savage.love or give us a call 206-302-2064 and share your experience. And we'll see if we can get some of those responses on the show. It is a little nuts that your doctor in the country, I'm guessing Italy, where you and your husband live, pushed back against a vasectomy.

[00:31:20] [SPEAKER_00] And if they pushed back against a vasectomy, oh my God, are they ever going to push back against you getting your tubes tied? This is a decision that you and your husband should be free to make. That you as an individual, regardless of how your husband feels about it, should be able to make. In consultation with your doctor, doctors aren't PEZ dispensers. They have moral agency too.

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_00] But if your doctor isn't comfortable with a woman in her 30s knowing her own mind and knowing that she never wants to have children and wanting to get her tubes tied, well then you'll have to go and find another doctor who respects your autonomy and will conduct this procedure for you. Anyway, anybody out there gotten your tubes tied? Give us a call.

[00:32:10] [SPEAKER_00] But in my immediate experience, this just happened to my friends where tonsils out for him, down for the count, on the mat for two weeks. Tubes tied for her, back at work two days later. Women, man, they're made of stronger stuff. On my Lovecast companion show, After Action Report, I talk to people, Savage Lovecast listeners, who've tried something new in the bedroom or in the playroom or on their South American vacations.

[00:32:37] [SPEAKER_00] But I know that it can be difficult to incorporate new things, new practices, new ideas, new tricks into a long-term relationship. Tossing something out there to a long-term partner when you want to try something new, when you want to shake things up, it's weirdly difficult. That's why for couples, I recommend Aria. Aria is here to turn up the heat in your bedroom.

[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_00] Aria is an intimacy membership plan for couples that will help you bring the spark back with a personal intimacy concierge and curated products delivered to your home each month. You start with a short quiz to find your erotic persona. Then each month, Aria sends you a new scene, a curated sexy experience designed around the two of you.

[00:33:21] [SPEAKER_00] What you'll get on your porch every month is a premium box of intimate products handpicked for you by sexologists so that next Thursday night looks nothing like last Thursday night. Whether you're trying to bring the spark back or you got plenty of sparks and you just want the relationship to feel a little less predictable. If you've got plenty of sparks but you want some kindling, Aria can help you keep things fresh, get those fires roaring, and keep you out of the dreaded bedroom rut.

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_00] Sometimes you just need someone else doing the planning and suggesting new things to try. Aria helps you do that and can help you reconnect with your partner. Right now, Aria is offering our listeners $10 off your first month at getaria.com slash savage. This offer is only for our podcast listeners, so use my link to get this discount.

[00:34:13] [SPEAKER_00] Get Aria with a Y, G-E-T-A-R-Y-A dot com slash savage for $10 off your first month. Let them know the love cast sent you. Get Aria dot com slash savage.

[00:34:28] [SPEAKER_09] Hi, Dan. I'm in my late 40s, pan, queer female in the Pacific Northwest. My question is about my sister. My sister is transgender. She's a little younger than I am, and she's been out as trans since the pandemic. She's out at work. She's legally changed her name, everything, but she's not out to the rest of the family.

[00:34:57] [SPEAKER_09] She lives at home with my mom and dad. My mom knows. My dad knows. They both dead name her and refuse to use her real gender. I get asked all the time by the rest of the family about how she's doing. I'm keeping in the closet with her at the moment, but it's been six years. I'm trying to encourage her to cut out to the rest of the family, but is it my place to say anything,

[00:35:25] [SPEAKER_09] or do I just have to wait for her?

[00:35:28] [SPEAKER_00] I was out to my mom. I was not out to my dad. I was out to my brother, Billy. I was not out to my brother, Eddie, or my sister, Laura. I was out to my Aunt Peggy. I wasn't out to my Aunt Joey, and on and on. And at a certain point, my mom came to me. My mom who was, got great, and got great really fast about me being gay, but like, out of the gate, wasn't great out of the gate.

[00:35:53] [SPEAKER_00] But at a certain point, my mom came to me and said, I understand why you couldn't be closeted for the rest of your life. I understand now why the closet sucks, because I'm in the closet with you. Because you aren't coming out to people. You aren't coming out to the family. You're pulling us into the closet one at a time. My mom had to be careful about what she said in front of my dad. And famously, my mom came to a play that I was in where the character I played was straight and got married. And it was a comedy.

[00:36:23] [SPEAKER_00] And my mom burst into tears because I was never going to get married because I was gay. And my father couldn't understand why my mom was weeping through this play. And she couldn't tell him. And so she came to me and was like, stop pulling us into the closet with you one at a time. The closet sucks. I get it now. And she really gave me a push to come out to the rest of the family. She didn't out me to the rest of the family.

[00:36:48] [SPEAKER_00] I still, you know, with my mom really giving me a shove, it was still on me and up to me when and who. But my mom put me on notice that I needed to get this done. To come out of the closet I claimed to want to come out to when I came out to her. And not just keep yanking people into the closet with me one at a time and swearing them to secrecy. I feel like you could go to your sister and say the same thing.

[00:37:16] [SPEAKER_00] Look, it's been, what, six years since the pandemic. You changed your name legally, your gender. Fuck mom and dad for not respecting you. Maybe what you really need is not my help coming out. Maybe what you really need is my help finding an apartment and figuring out how you could live independently of mom and dad who don't respect you. It hurts me to see them deadname you. It hurts me to see them not use your correct pronouns.

[00:37:44] [SPEAKER_00] And I hate that you have to live with that every day. And just in the same way my mom had a really kind of direct conversation with me about what the fuck it was that I was doing. You can have that conversation with your sister about what the fuck she's doing, what her plan is. And then listen to her about what her plan is. You don't say why your sister lives at home with your parents. You don't say why your sister puts up with this.

[00:38:11] [SPEAKER_00] Can you help her find her own place, find roommates, and let her know as my mom let me know when we had that conversation or when she had that conversation with me about what the fuck it was that I was doing, that you will have her back. My mom reassured me when she was like, you gotta tell your dad. I know it's scary.

[00:38:33] [SPEAKER_00] My dad was a fucking Catholic deacon and an Irish Catholic cop who had said really homophobic things in front of me forever. I was really scared to come out to him. And my mom was like, I will have your back and it will be fine. Maybe that's what your sister needs to hear from you. My mom strategized with me about coming out to everybody else. Maybe that's what you need to do with your sister. Draw her out, listen to her, ask her questions. What is it that you're doing?

[00:39:03] [SPEAKER_00] Why are you doing it this way? Why are you putting up with this? And then follow it up with, and how can I help? Seems to me that coming out to cousins or non-immediate family members is less critical and crucial for your sister's mental health right now than getting the fuck away from your parents. They're not away from them. I'm not suggesting she go no contact.

[00:39:28] [SPEAKER_00] But to get the fuck out of their house, to not have to live day in and day out with them, to not be so dependent on them. Shitty homophobic or transphobic parents, when that kid, that queer kid, that gay kid, that trans kid, is financially dependent on them, often feel that they have a right to be shitty to that kid. Because they are paying the bills. My house, my rules. And the kid can't get away.

[00:39:55] [SPEAKER_00] Help your sister get away from your parents. Maybe the most important part of her coming out to everybody else is getting the fuck away. Not permanently, not forever, not no contact, but getting the fuck out from under your mom and dad and their abuse. But this is tricky. Whenever this comes up, where people are like, this person needs to come out, everyone just defaults to. Everybody comes out in their own way, at their own time. You can't rush it.

[00:40:24] [SPEAKER_00] My mom rushed me. At a certain point, she was done with the pace at which I was moving, and I got a push. And I'm glad she rushed me in that moment. So I disagree when people say you can never rush somebody and everybody comes out in their own time, in their own way. Because that's not how it played out for me.

[00:40:46] [SPEAKER_00] And I was really grateful to my mom about six months later, when I had come out to everybody else, that she, I don't want to say put a gun to the back of my head, which is kind of how it felt at that moment, but lit a fire under me. And I was grateful. So you can be supportive and you can light a little fire under your sister.

[00:41:08] [SPEAKER_10] Dan, I know that you've noticed the rise of chastity going from straight people to gay people, going all over the world. Very exciting things. Question for you, as somebody who lives in a large metropolitan city on the West Coast, have you ever seen someone wearing a key necklace or some sort of key jewelry? And if you have, how did that go? Did you approach them? And if you haven't, if you did see that, would you approach somebody?

[00:41:36] [SPEAKER_10] Because I feel like people who are wearing keys in public, they are kind of asking to be seen, even if it was just a little head nod and a wink.

[00:41:45] [SPEAKER_00] As a general rule, we don't comment on other people's bodies. That said, I think people are relatively comfortable with receiving compliments about their outfits, their shoes, their jewelry. That stuff invites comment.

[00:42:04] [SPEAKER_00] I've never sprinted across a room because I noticed somebody wearing a key on a chain around their neck that looked like the kind of key that might come with a chastity cage or a cock cage. I mean, like, hey, does that key mean what I think it means? Because that's just jerky. I might see the key and think, all right, then. But I'm not going to, again, sprint across the room and get that person to go on the record with me or come and sit for a podcast interview or come on after action report and talk about that key with me.

[00:42:33] [SPEAKER_00] But I might clock it. And if we have the kind of relationship, it's somebody I know and we're friends and they suddenly start wearing a key around their neck, then I might say something. And I think the key invites a kind of convo in the context of an existing relationship. But you can ask somebody anything. You can pay somebody a compliment on their shoes. Hey, those are really great shoes.

[00:42:58] [SPEAKER_00] If you ever run into my husband in public and you want him to love you forever, compliment his fucking shoes. Somebody's wearing a key, you can say, love that key. And then it's up to them to tell you what they might want you to know. You can even ask if you want to be invasive, what does that unlock? That person at that moment can decide whether you're someone they want to tell.

[00:43:24] [SPEAKER_00] They can say, my diary, my back door, the cupboard where I keep my fucks. They can say nothing. It unlocks nothing. I just like how it looks. Or if they're wearing the key because they're dying to talk about it, you saying nice key opens a door to them saying, yeah, there's my husband. The other side of the room is Cox locked up.

[00:43:47] [SPEAKER_00] And then you can have that sidebar conversation, Soto voice away from the other guests at the dinner party or whatever about chastity play if you want to have that conversation. But just as a general rule, if somebody is wearing something that is fetish coded but subtle in public, they're trying to be subtle. They're not wearing a heavy collar. They're not wearing BDSM gear. It's just a key on a chain around their neck.

[00:44:14] [SPEAKER_00] And the only person that they might be hoping clocks the key, vibes with the key, the key registers for is their partner. That it's a secret signal they're sending each other, a little secret perving. But you can see the ankle. Skirt slipped adjusted up so you can see the ankle. And I think you can take delight in that. Like people are moving through the world, having crazy fun erotic experiences, creating erotic tension with their partners.

[00:44:42] [SPEAKER_00] Doesn't mean you necessarily have to comment on it. And yeah, I've seen those keys on chains around people's necks in Seattle. At a fetish event or at a gay bar, I might say something pretty direct, pretty explicit and supportive and encouraging. And that's hot. But at the pizza place, on the light rail, walking down the street, walking around Pike Place Market, even if it registers, I'm not going to fucking say anything. And neither should you.

[00:45:13] [SPEAKER_00] All right. Time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the comments listeners left about last week's show in the comment thread at savage.love. I interviewed Faith Hill, staff writer at The Atlantic last week about her new piece, The Great Romance Slump. Why are so few young people finding love? My listeners had a lot to say about our conversation. Says Jacqueline, not a member of Gen Z here, but as someone whose sexual debut came later in life, very recently, actually.

[00:45:40] [SPEAKER_00] I'd like to say that the reason was self-hatred. I was afraid no one would ever truly want to be around me. I had no real evidence of this, but when you hate yourself the way I did, everything felt like, what's the point? Things have gotten a lot better for Jacqueline. Her comment goes on. It's a long one worth reading. She shares how things got better for her, what she did to make things better for herself. Jacqueline has some great advice in her post.

[00:46:05] [SPEAKER_00] Really practical tips for people who might be right now suffering from depression like Jacqueline was. Happy to report that Jacqueline is making up for lost time, lost kinky times, lost sexy times, and we couldn't be happier for you, Jacqueline. Thank you for taking the time to share that great post. Says Thingamajig, as a person who often declined to make advances because I wanted assurances that they would be well received long before that was cool, I want to say to today's young people, welcome to the club.

[00:46:33] [SPEAKER_00] And mostly, I think it's great that people are finding other ways to get their needs met outside of traditional romantic partnerships. I wish that had felt like more of an option when I was younger. Says Green Bean Betty, I want to push back a little on Dan's assertion that there may one day be a utopia a la Golden Girls where three or four women live together with a shared beta male houseboy slash sex toy.

[00:46:57] [SPEAKER_00] There are very few humans who possess such a level of altruism as to never try to coerce a shared partner into making them a priority over others. Also, beta males are notoriously bad at advocating for themselves, especially where women are concerned. And says no cute name. What's not to like from the perspective of the timeshare boyfriend that Dan is always talking about? You've essentially got your own harem and all you're wanted for is sex?

[00:47:22] [SPEAKER_00] Unless Dan's vision extends to doing things around these women's communal homes. Hey, I use the term houseboy advisedly because houseboys have responsibilities. Houseboys do chores. They take care of the house. What you're thinking of, no cute name, is a kept boy. Kept boys, yeah, they don't help out around the house. They are just kept. Ironically, houseboys are keepers and kept boys are not. All right. You got something to say about something I said on this week's show?

[00:47:51] [SPEAKER_00] Jump into the comment thread at savage.love and say it now. Or give us a call at 206-302-2064. Or send us a voice memo at Q at savage.love if you want to say it on the show. And now, savage love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.

[00:48:09] [SPEAKER_07] Hi, Dan. This is a response call to the caller who was wondering whether they should delete the photos from his ex-friends with benefits. And, oh my God, please delete them. Deleting the photos after the relationship ended without them asking is a nice thing to do. Deleting them after their request is a bare minimum. And not deleting them after their request is actively breaching their consent.

[00:48:40] [SPEAKER_07] I don't know why they asked you to delete them. I'm not them. I don't know them. But if it was me, it's something like this part of my life has ended. I would like to put it behind. I no longer want you to see me in that light. Okay? So every time you're wanking to her nude or whatever sexy photos that you have of her, you are actively doing something that she does not want you to do. And if that was me, that would make me feel very violated.

[00:49:10] [SPEAKER_07] And that should make you feel very uncomfortable too. So please be better and delete those photos.

[00:49:18] [SPEAKER_05] Hey, Dan. I'm calling in response to the caller from last week's episode who doesn't know what to do now that him and his husband have had this amazing tantric experience in Montreal. Their steak is too juicy and their lobster is too buttery. And they don't want it creating a rift in their relationship. Your advice was fantastic about finding time to make something like this happen again.

[00:49:46] [SPEAKER_05] But I think there's also some obvious advice that needs to be said here, which is that part of a rich life is not just having amazing experiences all the time. It's about having lots of medium days, some very bad days, and of course, some amazing days. What will create a rift is the expectation that your life isn't full or rich without having amazing days as much as humanly possible.

[00:50:14] [SPEAKER_05] It's an exercise in being grateful.

[00:50:19] [SPEAKER_00] And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me. Got a comment for us. Go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website. Or you can email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or give us a call. Leave us a message at 206-302-2064. If you tried something new and you want to tell me and my listeners all about it, email us about the thing you tried at q at savage.love and you might be my next guest on After Action

[00:50:49] [SPEAKER_00] Report. Filmmakers, documentarians, introverts, extroverts, monogamous kinksters, polyamorous vanillas. The call for submissions for the 2027 Hump Film Festival has gone out. If you want to see your thing, if you want to see yourself up on the big screen next year, get us your submission for the Hump 2027 Film Festival by November 26th. All the details that you need to know about getting your film into the Hump Film Festival

[00:51:16] [SPEAKER_00] can be found at humpfilmfest.com slash submit. Reminder, you don't have to pay us to enter. And in fact, if your film makes it into the festival, we will be paying you. Follow me at bluesky at dansavage. Follow me on Instagram at dansavage. Get Dr. Leeshing Sun's new book on the origin of sex, the weird and wonderful science of reproduction wherever you get your books. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week.

[00:51:45] [SPEAKER_00] We'll install it on the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for telling me.