Savage Love Episode 1029

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_08] This episode is brought to you by Quince, high quality essential clothing at radically low prices. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash savage for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince.com slash savage.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_11] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grownups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_05] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual, Savage Lovecast.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_08] You can still host, you can still attend, you can still be the main attraction at a gangbang in France. You may have seen posts flying around on social media this week claiming that France had banned gangbangs on the grounds that gangbangs are not compatible with human dignity. And while France's highest court did use that language in a recent ruling, the court did not attempt to do the impossible by literally banning gangbangs in France.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_08] How would that ruling even be enforced? So how did everyone suddenly, all at once online, get the impression that France had banned gangbangs? I would trace it to a viral post by journalist Lucas Granger, a content creator, he says, who works at the intersection of culture, sexuality, and contemporary society. In his post that went very viral, he makes it clear in the post that France's highest court hadn't banned all gangbangs, just some gangbangs.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_08] But people don't read past headlines, and Granger's post was headlined, France just banned gangbangs. Again, it was only some gangbangs. Seems to me that Granger could have squeezed some into that headline, and we all would have avoided a lot of confusion. What happened was this. France's highest court upheld a lower court ruling that shut down a business in Paris that hosted private orgies and gangbangs. Men had to pay to enter.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_08] Women did not have to pay and enter. Simple laws of supply and demand there. But there is no evidence that the women who were attending these gangbangs were unwilling participants or were paid to be there. So no laws were being broken. But the courts have ruled, France's highest court has ruled, that in this case, it doesn't matter. They can shut a club down for violating abstract and subjective notions of what constitutes human dignity.

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_08] The libertine community, or libertine community, as Granger describes it, I think libertine, libertine is French for sex positive. The libertine community has concerns. There's worry in the libertine community that a precedent has been set here, and that other sex spaces, other sex clubs, gay bathhouses, just-for-fun dungeons, could be closed next and on the same grounds. The Marianne, a French news and culture weekly that covered the case, wrote,

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_08] The judges did not approve of the staged events at these parties, which sometimes included sexual assault, confinement, and kidnapping. Not actual sexual assaults or kidnappings, as the judges confirmed in their ruling, but events based on a scenario agreed upon by the participants. So, it's role play. Role play involving subjugation, which is what most sexual role play involves.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_08] That's an insult to human dignity, and therefore, something authorities can ban if it's happening in a commercial venue. So, the libertine community, which relies on commercial venues to come together as a community, yeah, I think they have cause to be alarmed. The court's action here has to be seen in the light of the pellet cut trial. We've talked a lot about the pellet cut trial on the show.

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_08] For years, a man in France was drugging his wife and inviting strangers he found online to rape her when she was unconscious. But consensual group sex is not rape, and the assumption that women cannot consent to it, stripping women of their sexual agency like this, does not protect women from the insult to their dignity that is rape. I know they're not for everybody. They are not for me. But some people like gangbangs. Men fantasize about group sex more.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_08] Men fantasize about everything more. But a majority of women report fantasizing about group sex. It's not hard for a gay man who wants to be gangbanged to pull that together for himself, whether he's using the apps or walking into a sex club.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_08] But a woman who wants to be at the center of a gangbang, a woman who wants to realize her fantasies of getting gangbanged in a safe and controlled way, yeah, that pretty much requires a well-regulated sex club where patrons are screened, where the men are screened, where rules are enforced, and bouncers are standing by.

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_08] And I gotta say, adults enjoying safe and consensual gangbangs at a commercial sex space seems an odd thing for authorities in France to concern themselves with at a moment when France, if not Paris, is quite literally burning. There are wildfires burning out of control right now in France and Spain and Scotland. That is a whataboutism, I realize, and one that cuts both ways.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_08] I can say to the justices of France's highest court, why is the court concerning itself with gangbangs and commercial sex clubs when France is on fire? And the justices can turn around and say to me, why are you concerning yourself with our ban on gangbangs when France is on fire? To which I would say to them, your honors, if it may please the court, as the world burns around us,

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_08] it's not just that we have more important things to worry about, it's that people having consensual group sex in a basement in Paris is not a thing we need to be worrying about at all. For the record, I'm not vouching for these particular parties at this particular sex club. I read everything I could find, but there were paywalls and language barriers, and I don't know if Google Translate screwed anything up. But if women were attending these parties of their own free will, the parties were not harming their dignity.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_08] They were affirming their dignity, their right to control their own bodies and to take pleasure as they define it as individuals from their own bodies. I know it's hard sometimes for people with mainstream sexual interests to wrap their heads around someone actually wanting to be gangbanged or wanting to be flogged or pissed on or have sex with a clown. More on clown sex coming up on today's show. But people do want all of these things.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_08] There are probably people out there who want all of these things at once. Some sicko somewhere last night was probably masturbating to the thought of being gangbanged by a bunch of sadistic clowns with full bladders. And it seems to me that increasing the sum total of human happiness in this world is a social good. To live in a world where more people are walking around feeling sexually fulfilled, more people than walk around feeling sexually frustrated. That would be good.

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_08] And if we want that, and we should, we have to allow for people who want to be gangbanged by clowns or civilians to patronize places where, one, they can explore their fantasies as safely as possible, and two, they can explore their fantasies without bothering anyone. And if, as seems to be the case in France, where the complaints that led to the ban were brought by people who heard about these parties but didn't attend them,

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_08] if you claim to be bothered by what consenting adults are doing in private, in the absolute privacy of their own homes or in the relative privacy of a sex club, if you insist that other people's pleasures must be regulated or banned because you can't stop thinking about someone somewhere sucking off a clown or getting gangbanged by libertines in Paris, you need to get your ass into therapy, not into court.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_08] All right, quick note before we start the show to Berliners in our listenership. Berlin is perhaps my favorite place in the world, a wonderful city full of interesting, loving, creative people. As all of my listeners probably know, there was an attack on the Christopher Street Parade in Berlin on Saturday night. That's the annual Pride Parade in Berlin, which left one woman dead and nearly 30 injured. Atheists, we don't do prayers, we do thoughts.

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_08] When my mom was very ill, she would ask me to keep her in my thoughts, which I did. So I want to tell everyone that I know and love in Berlin and everyone I've known and loved in Berlin that you are all very much in my thoughts right now. All right, coming up on this week's show, a 66-year-old woman loves giving blowjob, but in her enthusiasm, she ends up with bruises on her lips. Are people clocking that? After some reluctance on her part, a woman and her bisexual boyfriend got into pegging.

[00:09:04] [SPEAKER_08] But when they invited a guy to have a three-way, the caller was dismayed to see the guest star gave her boyfriend more pleasure than she's ever seen. What could it mean? How should she feel about it? And on the Magnum, as promised, I chat with a sex clown. Barney Muckle is here to educate me about clown fetish and clown porn. He's amazing and charming. You can listen to that interview if you are a Magnum subscriber.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_08] If you are not yet a Magnum subscriber, go to savage.love, click on subscribe to get access to the longer, ad-free, guest-filled Magnum episodes of the Savage Lovecast and so much more. We appreciate your support. And one last thing before we start the show. Are you still watching porn alone? Okay, sometimes you need to. Sometimes watching porn alone is the best way to watch porn. But porn can also be an amazing communal experience, and it's never more amazing communally than it is at the Hump Film Festival.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_08] Hump returns to theaters this fall with an all-new season of unforgettable films, new films, new fantasies, new achievements unlocked. Tickets go on sale August 1st. Visit humpfilmfest.com to watch the fall official trailer for Hump 2026 Fall Tour, to find out whether Hump is coming to your city or a city near you, and to get yourself some tickets before they sell out. All right, let's get to the first call.

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_11] Hey, everybody. It's Nancy. And guess what? We're going to do another quickie show. That's where you keep your questions to under one minute. And Dan is somehow going to keep his answers to under three minutes. And I'm going to tell him he's got three minutes to answer your questions. So send them in. Send them in right now. And we'll have that show ready for you in a little bit. And for these quickie shows, you really can't ask anything at all.

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_11] Like, ask Dan what he's been reading, or ask Dan what he thinks about this or that, or ask Dan to share his top secret recipe for coconut bars that he makes at Christmas. But keep it quick. Record your question on your phone and send it to q at savage.love. Or you can call us up, 206-302-2064. Make it quick.

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_08] This episode is brought to you by Quince. High quality essential clothing at radically low prices. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash savage for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince.com slash savage.

[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_11] This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_08] This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it.

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_01] Hey, Dan. Is it normal for a guy to always have his nipples hard? Like, they stay hard. They don't ever, like, go soft or anything. I was just curious because I heard different stories. I heard that sometimes it is normal and then I heard that it's not. And then I also heard that it could be a medical issue. But so that's what I wanted to know. If that was normal for a guy to always have hard nipples.

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_08] According to Dr. Google, could be a sign, puffy, not necessarily hard nipples, of gyno-mocastia, which is a condition where a male person develops a little bit extra breast tissue. Also, if somebody is a runner, nipples could be constantly irritated. And if somebody is into really hardcore nipple play, like forceps as clamps,

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_08] nipple tissues can toughen up over time and nipples can become more prominent and just feel a little thicker and denser because of, you know, the trauma and the healing from the clamping process. But nipples, in my experience, male nipples come in all different shapes and sizes and all different consistencies and densities.

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_08] So if you're concerned about your nipples or your partner's nipples, you could have a doctor take a quick look at them. But there is a broad range of what is normal for different body parts, dicks, vulvas, nipples, tits, ass, butt, everything. And your hard nipples or your perpetually hard nipples or your constantly erect nipples could just be the way your nipples roll, not necessarily a sign that anything is wrong.

[00:13:43] [SPEAKER_00] Hi, Dan. I'm a kinkster in my 40s and I have a medical question. I'm interested in trying sounding, that is inserting objects into my urethra, but I'm intersex. So when I was born, I had a dick, but no male urethra within it, just a urethral opening on my perineum close to where a woman would have one. The medical term is perineal hypospadias.

[00:14:12] [SPEAKER_00] Surgery, non-consensually at age 2, by the way, which should be banned, they took my foreskin and partly cut it, formed it into a tube, and shoved it down my dick to form a makeshift urethra. And it didn't quite work. I still have a few small openings on the underside of my dick that go all the way into my urethra, known as fistulae, that further surgeries were not able to close up.

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00] So the mainstream advice for trying sounding under these circumstances is don't. But I'm skeptical. The medical community is notoriously uneducated about intersex issues, and I have some pleasure-receptive tissue not that far down there, just waiting to be tickled by my DOM's vibrating sound, for instance. So the argument against is that the foreskin tissue that forms my urethra

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_00] is not as stretchy as an endosex urethra, leading to a risk of tearing, or a sound could catch on the other holes lower down. On the other hand, those fucking doctors put catheters and rods down there willy-nilly for years, which is essentially sounding. So I'm skeptical.

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_08] You are right. A lot of medical professionals are not educated about intersex issues. Also, a lot of medical professionals are risk-averse, especially where it comes to sexual pleasure, sexual exploration. A medical professional, reading your chart, looking at your dick, may tell you that you should err on the side of caution when it comes to, in a sexual environment, shoving a steel rod up your urethra,

[00:15:53] [SPEAKER_08] considering the fistula, considering the fact that the tissue isn't as stretchy as non-intersex persons' urethra, might be that you're running a real risk there. But my POV is our bodies are ours to use, ours to enjoy, ours to use up, and people take risks all the time for sexual pleasure. When people take risks for non-sexual pleasures, when people jump out of airplanes, when people go back country skiing, things that have a real risk of death or injury,

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_08] everyone's like, well, yeah, YOLO, you gotta live, you only live once, and people have a right. Adrenaline junkies have a right to take these risks. We'll even publicly fund a ski patrol to rescue these people when their pleasures get them into trouble. But if it's somebody who wants to, you know, get double penetrated, if it's somebody who wants to experiment with different kinks that pose some risk, everyone's like,

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_08] why on earth would you take that risk? A risk that arouses someone is always regarded as an illegitimate or irrational risk. I don't feel that way. You are allowed to take this risk if you want to take this risk. And you make an excellent point when you say medical professionals throughout your life have been shoving catheters up your urethra, and so why couldn't you with your partner take this risk using a sound?

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_08] You can absolutely take this risk using sound, but just like that person who goes back country skiing, if you slam into a tree, you have to accept the consequences. You do risk, as these medical professionals, as your medical professionals have warned you, you risk injury. So, if you're going to get sounded by your partner, maybe not a big one, maybe not a vibrating one at first, maybe slow, careful,

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_08] a very narrow sound, something not quite as wide as the last catheter, that you had inserted, and you'll have to be very conscientious, and your partner who is sounding you will have to be very conscientious about the higher degree of difficulty here when it comes to sounding you compared to sounding someone who doesn't have your medical history. And then, hopefully it'll be a good experience. If it is a bad experience, well,

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_08] then you're going to have to rush to an emergency room and have that addressed. And you might have to look your doctor in the eye and say those three magic words that everybody kind of secretly loves to hear, you were right.

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_11] This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. They make it easy to build a website, blog, or online store. And Squarespace offers a lot more than you might think. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand or your band, and get paid all in one place. Do you know who's been visiting your website? I mean, really? Like, do you really know? Because with Squarespace's analytics tools, you will finally really know who's coming around,

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[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_03] Hi, Dan. I'm a long-time Magnum subscriber, a 66-year-old hetero married woman. And I want to ask you about blowjob bruises because I've never heard anyone bring this up. I love to give blowjobs and occasionally it's pretty very enthusiastic and I end up with a bruise either just

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_03] above my upper lip or below my lower lip. I think it happens maybe when my fist curled around my guy's cock is banging against my mouth and my teeth. And I kind of dig it, you know, because it's sort of like a fun memory. But do other people know what that is? Because I don't wear makeup and I don't want to be too obvious or is it just a thing

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_03] where if you know, you know, and if somebody does know, then it's because they're cool with blowjobs. I mean, is this something I should cover up or can I just kind of go out in the world with my little bruise on my lip and be okay with it?

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_08] There's no way to get out in front of this. You can't say to people, hey, just wanted you to know, I love giving head. I am hashtag team blowjob. Love having my face fucked. Nothing better than wrapping a fist around the base of a cock and letting that guy, my guy, fucking fuck my face. Hence this bruise. You can't say that to people. So you're just going to have to let people either not notice. I once

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_08] long time ago when I was still in the closet actually had a busted lip from giving a blowjob and I was convinced I was going to go home and my mom and my siblings were going to see that busted lip and know everything and I would be outed by a busted lip but nobody even noticed I had a slightly bruised swollen lower lip. So my money's on no one's going to really notice. The concern here though is a 66 year old partnered woman with a male partner going out

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_08] regularly with bruises on her face. Some people might think oh is there a DV situation going on here? Are you being abused if someone notices and they're positioned in such a way in your life that they're the right person to express concern? Maybe they will bring it up a doctor, a close friend, a therapist and ask you if everything's okay. And at that moment you could say love having my face fucked. Sorry we had to have this

[00:22:19] [SPEAKER_08] conversation. But good for you. Team blowjob, team getting your face fucked, enthusiastic blowjobs. Always so great to hear from women who are enthusiastic givers of enthusiastic blowjobs. I think it's important for men, straight men out there, to know that women like you exist. Because I hear from straight men all the time, confiding in me personally that because they sleep with women they have never had a truly enthusiastic

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_08] blowjob, the kinds of enthusiastic blowjobs they hear about gay men giving or they've seen gay men giving when they've looked at a little bit of gay porn. So they should know that the brass ring, that women like you who love having their faces fucked even to the point of some low-key perhaps noticeable physical after effects that you are out there. Good for you. Enjoy. Enjoy your battle scars. This episode

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[00:24:54] [SPEAKER_06] Hey Dan, 27 year old here dating a 23 year old girl in Los Angeles, California. We've been dating for about two years. Everything's been going really well. There's a lot of love. We never fight. Good at working things out. She's so comforting, so supportive. My family loves her. I love her family. The problem is that she's from the East Coast. She's likely to end up on the East Coast. She wants to go to graduate school on the East Coast. She's expressed to me that she wants to live on the East Coast long term. I, on the other hand,

[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_06] really love the West Coast. I have a career out here. My family's out here. My friends are out here. I also love surfing. It's a huge part of my life. The East Coast isn't super conducive to a surfy lifestyle. That's one problem. The second problem is that I have a best friend. She used to be my roommate. We met through surfing. She lives in New Zealand doing a PhD right now. I recently realized I have very strong feelings for her. I'm

[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_06] sure they're mutual. I know there's shared strong feelings here. We chat all the time. It's always great. It's more on friend vibes, but there is something there. It's intense, but we don't ever mention it. Obviously, surfing is a huge part of how we both live our lives and how we both see ourselves in the future, which is also confusing because my current girlfriend doesn't totally understand that obsession that we have with this common interest. My girlfriend

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_06] is friends with this girl, too. Everyone gets along well. Basically, I'm in this very confusing situation in which my girlfriend is feeling like she's going to leave at some point, but doesn't want to. I don't know what to do at all. I can't tell if the love that I have for my current girlfriend is fading. I honestly think about this other girl more, but maybe that's because she's not here and

[00:26:52] [SPEAKER_06] my current girlfriend I see all the time. How can you tell if love is fading in that way? At one point, do I end it? There's nothing wrong with the relationship per se. Why would I end it if nothing is wrong? But I really do like this other girl. I feel like my current girlfriend would be so confused and so sad. And then do I tell my friend that I have feelings for her? It feels so stupid to blow something up right now that is over a hypothetical maybe

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_06] in the future. never fight.

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_08] Never fight. You say that you and your current girlfriend that you love very much. Sounds like a great relationship. That you never fight. That is a red flag for me. Not about an individual in the relationship. Not a fault of hers. Not a fault of yours. But a red flag about the relationship. A red flag practice resolving conflict. You need

[00:27:56] [SPEAKER_08] practice. You need conflict so that you can identify the things that you need to change to be together and identify the things that aren't going to change so that you can both figure out whether those particular prices of admission, those things about her that aren't going to change for you and vice versa, that those POAs, prices of admission, prices of admission, you're willing to pay to make this relationship work. of love here and you don't

[00:28:26] [SPEAKER_08] fight and there is this looming conflict about where you're going to end up. She wants to live on the east coast close to her family. You want to stay on the west coast close to the waves and you haven't run that to ground. You haven't fought that out. You haven't figured out after two years if you are going to stay together, who's going to pay that price of admission? It makes me think your relationship is less of a relationship and more of a holding pattern

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_08] that you're not fighting because you both know you're not going to wind up together. So the stakes are low. Why fight about this thing that impacts the long term when you both know consciously or subconsciously that this is more situationship than relationship, holding pattern, you're going to be together for as long as you can be together and it's going to be a great relationship but at some point you're going to part because the relationship isn't going to serve either of your long term goals about

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_08] where you want to live. So you're keeping the present nice and chill because you know there's no future to fight over. The wrench in the works here is this other woman, this potential relationship. You have feelings for someone else who may not reciprocate those feelings. The ass is always greener. Yeah, if I were in your shoes, I might gin up an excuse to go on a surfing trip with this other woman. Your girlfriend knows this other person,

[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_08] likes this other person. I don't think it'll be a huge problem for your girlfriend who doesn't enjoy surfing. If you said you wanted to check out the waves in New Zealand and you're going to go surfing in New Zealand and then the minute you get there, tell her, ask her how she feels about you and if these feelings are mutual. It is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time. Most people in opposite sex relationships aren't allowed to love more than one person at a time,

[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_08] actively have concurrent committed romantic relationships. So poly is probably not on the table for you and you're going to, if the other woman reciprocates your feelings, she feels the same way and has always wanted to be with you, you will have to choose. And you will be choosing someone that you've never been in a relationship with and you don't know whether you would get along as well or love each other as much as you love your current girlfriend. You have some certainty and sureties with the current girlfriend and you have

[00:30:56] [SPEAKER_08] questions and possibilities with this other woman. Could instantly be shut down if the other woman is like, uh, no, dude, you misread me. That is some dickful surfer boy thinking. I never thought of you that way. And then you would have some clarity. And then you would have to make a decision about whether you want to stay with the woman you love. Some people out there are going to say that if you were on the fence about who you wanted to be with, you don't love the woman that you're with right now. I disagree. It's possible to catch feelings for more than one person at a time. And then,

[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_08] as Debbie Boone once sang, wind up torn between two lovers feeling like a fool. And then having to, well, Debbie Boone didn't sing this part, but pick a face. Pick one face. And have a seat on it. Call me back and then we'll game it out. This episode is brought to you by Field, the dating app you keep hearing my callers talk about on this show. If you're wondering why, it's because Field serves the curious, the open-minded, and people who know that the

[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_08] concept of normal is overrated. Swipe culture, not a thing on Field. You can browse profiles without having to say yes or no right away and take your time making intentional decisions about who you engage with. Put your desires right on your profile, desires like being a brat, exploring DS or BDSM, and even friendship. Field supports honesty in its very architecture. Your bio can be as long as you like. But if you have something you only want to say to people you're vibing with, that you've

[00:32:26] [SPEAKER_08] connected with, you can write a hidden bio which you choose when to share with potential future lovers and friends. And active consent is embedded into the very design of Field. For example, DM photos with nudity are automatically blurred to give the recipient the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to see them. And Field has a new feature called Reflections. It's designed to reveal you to yourself what you desire, the relationship style that works best for you, your boundaries.

[00:32:56] [SPEAKER_08] By answering these deeper questions about yourself, you can reflect before you connect. What are my actual boundaries? What do I deeply desire? What type of relationship do I really want? If you have the language to say what you want, if you can use your words, you will be so much closer to getting what you want. You know, it sounds a lot like the advice I give people on this show. Know thyself, little introspection, use your words. Try Reflections right now by visiting field.co slash reflections or

[00:33:26] [SPEAKER_08] by downloading Field on the App Store or Google Play. Field, it's where it's at and it's where my people are at. And if you're one of my people, you're going to want to get on Field.

[00:33:36] [SPEAKER_04] Hi, Dan. I have a question about my bisexual boyfriend. We have been together for nearly five years now. I am more heteroflexible, kind of leaning towards straight. We are very GGG. So a couple months ago, my boyfriend said that he wanted to be pegged and that was something that at first I was like, I don't want to do. But once we got into it and I kind of got past my feeling of uncomfortableness or the power genetics being switched, then I

[00:34:06] [SPEAKER_04] really enjoyed it. He really, really enjoys it. So it's like a regular part of our sex life now. And a week ago, we invited a special guest into the bedroom, which is a guy that is also bisexual that I've hooked up with in the past. And he is really great. Basically, that time of the night, it was a great threesome, but that time of the night came when the threesome became a twosome and I basically was watching my boyfriend get fucked in the ass and I've never seen that by another man.

[00:34:35] [SPEAKER_04] And while it was like super hot and great, the look on his face was like different than when I pegged him. And maybe I'm feeling like vulnerable and that I'm like, I'm not able to give him what this man gave him. And I don't know, like he shot his load and, but like definitely harder than I have seen him do that before. It seemed different. He seemed like way more euphoric and maybe that's in my head. But afterwards he was like, oh my God, that was amazing. We should make

[00:35:05] [SPEAKER_04] that like a weekly thing. And obviously I just feel like, I don't know. I'm feeling a little bit like, am I good enough? You know, and I don't want to bring it up with him because I'm like super GGG. So does anyone else feel like that? Or I don't know why am I feeling like this? It should have been like hot and amazing, but it wasn't.

[00:35:32] [SPEAKER_08] Super GGG and you obviously are. You were. He wanted to try something. He wanted to get dicked down by somebody with a bio dick, an organic dick. You were a little squicked out even by pegging at first. You gave pegging a try. You stepped outside your comfort zone. You liked it. And then you progressed to a three-way with a dude who dicked your boyfriend down. You are super GGG. You can be super GGG and have insecurities and need

[00:36:02] [SPEAKER_08] reassurance from your partner. It was great for him. It was amazing for him. There were parts of it that left you feeling a little outside the action and left you feeling inadequate. I could help you reframe the experience. Are you enough for your boyfriend? Well, your boyfriend has a girlfriend who'll peg him and your boyfriend has a girlfriend who's down or was down and may be down again in the future to have MMF three ways with him?

[00:36:32] [SPEAKER_08] So you can look at that and say, well, I'm obviously not enough because I can't give him the dick that he needs, the bio dick that he clearly needs every once in a while. Or you can say to yourself, he gets to have everything he wants because he has me. So I am the conduit through which enough flows. You are the pipeline that brings to him enough. Everything. He gets to have you. He gets to have you and your strap-on and you

[00:37:01] [SPEAKER_08] and PIV and you and oral and then you and someone else every once in a while if you can reframe the experience. It's not, oh, I'm obviously inadequate because I can't be all things to another human being to this human being sexually. None of us are all things to another human being sexually. I think the quickest way to get around or work through the fear that I'm not enough is just to accept that no, indeed, you are not and no one is. I would also encourage you to rethink

[00:37:31] [SPEAKER_08] that moment it became a twosome. Rethink that moment that you were watching your boyfriend get dicked down and he was in ecstasy because I will bet you dollars to donuts, it wasn't just being with a man, but it was being with a man in the context he was with a man. Being with a man with his girlfriend, the feeling of that dick in his ass getting fucked, enhanced by the presence of his girlfriend in

[00:38:00] [SPEAKER_08] the room, enhanced by you watching and he may have assumed you enjoying it and that may have driven him to peaks of ecstasy. That is like some bucket list sexual fantasy stuff for bi guys. Not just sneaking off for some dick, not after, you know, hammering out a DADT agreement with the wife who knows he's bi but doesn't want to have to think about it, doesn't want to have to see it. He got to be a bi guy who got to have a three-way with his girlfriend and some other

[00:38:29] [SPEAKER_08] guy and it was all of that coming together that made the getting fucked in the ass by a guy so much greater than the sum of those two parts, ass and dick, because you were there. So you were an integral part of what drove him to these peaks of ecstasy, I will bet you. And if he has any sense and you bring this up, he will tell you that. So, you're not enough and you are enough. You're not enough in the way that no one is enough for anybody

[00:38:59] [SPEAKER_08] sexually ever, but you are enough in that being with you means your boyfriend can have maybe not everything he wants from everyone else he might want it from, but close. Again, you are the pipeline, you are the conduit that delivers to him more and more, close to enough. And also, it wasn't just having sex with a man, it was having a three-way. He didn't ask you when it was over for your permission to run off and do that on his own. He said, can we do that again? He wants to do it again with you.

[00:39:29] [SPEAKER_08] You're a part of this and you should own your part in it. It was hot for him because that dick was in his ass and it was extra hot for him because you were there.

[00:39:43] [SPEAKER_10] Hi, 34-year-old woman from the Netherlands calling in. I've been dating a woman for the past couple of months and just last week I told her I want to end the romantic part of our relationship and I still want to be friends. I could also imagine that at some point we start having sex again. We're both very kinky and we were really enjoying that together but for now we thought

[00:40:13] [SPEAKER_10] maybe it's best to not engage in any of that for a couple of weeks which is hard because we're still good friends and enjoying flirting a little bit with each other also but we won't act on it for a couple of weeks more at least. But my question is could we kinkify this period of abstinence for each other like some sort of chastity? thing or would that break our

[00:40:43] [SPEAKER_10] rule of not doing kinky stuff? Of course the rule is there in order to give ourselves some like a cool down period and see where things land and not make things complicated in this period of trying to find a new way to relate to each other. What do you think?

[00:41:04] [SPEAKER_08] You wanted to end the romantic part of this relationship. Be friends, be friends, who fuck, have sex again and then you decided together that you would take a break from the sex that you wanted to have. My hunch is that you wanted to end the romantic part of the relationship. This other woman was a little hurt by that, wants to take a break from sex. It wasn't exactly a mutual decision and the evidence that it wasn't your idea to take a break from sex is that you are now trying to engineer

[00:41:34] [SPEAKER_08] sex into the break you are taking from sex. Kinkifying this period of abstinence, yeah, that would break your rule not to be sexual because you wouldn't be taking a break from kink, which is sex. Chastity isn't a cool-down period. It is a ramp-up period. You are building the sexual tension through active denial, through locking up if you're going to go out and buy chastity devices.

[00:42:04] [SPEAKER_08] I want everyone to define sex as broadly as possible, particularly people who are vanilla need to define sex, particularly people who are vanilla and heterosexual need to define sex as broadly as possible. So it's not just PIV. Kinksters have never had a problem. I don't have to encourage kinksters to define sex as broadly as possible. Wearing a Disney mask-out costume for a lot of kinksters counts as sex. Wearing diapers for a lot of kinksters counts as sex. Not having

[00:42:34] [SPEAKER_08] sex, doing chastity or denial for people who are roused by chastity and denial, that counts as sex. So you are not taking a break here. You wanted to end the R, the romantic relationship. She wants to take a break from sex to cauterize the wound of your rejection most likely, and you need to respect that rather than figure out a different way, immediately, right now, during the break,

[00:43:04] [SPEAKER_08] to get back into her pants, even if what you're getting back into her pants with is some sort of female chastity device. So, give it a break. A real break. You're not going to be sexual. You're not going to engage erotically around actual sex, the having of sex, or the denial of sex as a form of sex and eroticism and play. You're just going to be friends. You're going to go out

[00:43:34] [SPEAKER_08] to dinner. You're going to see the invite. Go see the invite. It's amazing. You're going to hang out, and you're not going to think about her pussy, or what's happening to it, or what's not happening to it, or your pussy, and what's happening to it, or not happening to it. No chastity play, which is a kind of sex play during your sex break. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show at savage.love. Says Delta 35,

[00:44:03] [SPEAKER_08] a comment and a question for the college guys-only campus glory hole caller. First question, having blown guys in their 70s, if they shave and you only see their cock, the skin on the shaft and the glands does not show age the way the rest of the body does, at least not on the guys I've played with. And question two, what campus restrooms still have glory holes asking for a friend dot dot dot says force majeure to the pro pubic hair dude, fine to have a preference, but those who prefer

[00:44:33] [SPEAKER_08] a shorn bush aren't all pedophiles, dude. Your revulsion at the sight of a hairless pussy feels like we're merging out of the preference lane and into the it is a personal affront to me that women are doing this lane. Women make public grooming choices for all kinds of reasons and many of those have nothing to do with a man. That said, force majeure continues, I can think of a fairly good indicator. Look for hairy armpits. While there are women with shaved pits but ample pubes, I don't know that you could find one

[00:45:03] [SPEAKER_08] woman out there with hairy pits and a shaved pussy. Says Tall Canadian, billionaires may not be literally eating babies, Dan, but in terms of the lives of children all around the world unnecessarily sacrificed to feed their insatiable greed, absolutely they are. Says by Dan Fan about the same call, I think the caller and then you, Dan, took her friend's comment about baby eating by billionaires a bit too literally. I would choose to interpret it as billionaires are different from us, they have zero moral compass,

[00:45:32] [SPEAKER_08] I wouldn't put it past them. Also, Dan, your surely the staff would photograph this and expose it argument about billionaires eating babies falls flat. None of Epstein's staff on that island photographed and then exposed the abuse that was happening there. And when some of the abused themselves did, they weren't believed. Excellent point and heartbreaking point. BDF, and I will concede the point. All right, got something to say about something I said? Jump into the comment thread at savage.love and share it in the comments or give us a call at

[00:46:02] [SPEAKER_08] 206-302-2064 or send us a voice memo at q at savage.love if you want to say it here on the show. And now Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.

[00:46:17] [SPEAKER_07] Hey, Dan, for the female caller who's been losing feeling in her hand while she's fisting her boyfriend, I'm going to call to basically ask her what position he might be in. I've found that when a guy is on his back, the hole tends to kind of like clamp up a bit more. So one thing that she could try is having him kind of on all fours, kind of chest down, kind of naturally makes the hole a little bit more likely to gape open so it's not as much

[00:46:47] [SPEAKER_07] pressure on her hand. I do appreciate you mentioning all the toys that she can use, but as someone who has been fisting for a really long time, there is a specific feeling of a hand inside of you that there's no amount of toy, even if it's shaped like a hand can replace.

[00:47:02] It just

[00:47:03] [SPEAKER_07] feels really, really good. So another option that she could look into as well is they have out there kind of those tunnel plugs. So she could look for one that's the size of her boyfriend's current butthole and she could put that in first and hopefully that will do either some squishiness so that if when he does kind of clamp down, the silicone kind of takes some of that pressure and not as much her hand. But yeah, I would definitely say try a bunch of different positions and see what kind of works best.

[00:47:32] [SPEAKER_07] I can also understand why he wouldn't want to hurt you. That's definitely not something that people enjoy hearing when they're being sexually satisfied.

[00:47:41] [SPEAKER_02] Hey Dan, straight lady here, mid-40s, calling about the guy who was concerned about how many women have shaved their bikini lines bald. Straight women have been fighting for men to go down on them forever and men have been finding tons of excuses. So if I want to increase the odds of my partner going down on me, I'm eliminating all barriers. So women have been socialized

[00:48:10] [SPEAKER_02] to this for decades now. So maybe he should consider a little bit about him impressing his beliefs on somebody else who has already done a lot to accommodate men already.

[00:48:24] [SPEAKER_09] Hi Dan, calling about episode 1028 and the caller who was speaking about the apparent lack of body hair on women. I am a woman with hairy legs, with a hairy muff, hairy armpits and I must say there is a very strong and prevailing beauty standard that requires women to remove their body hair and I agree, I do, I think it's creepy.

[00:48:53] [SPEAKER_09] I think that it does promote a beauty standard that revolves around youth and women aren't really allowed to look mature, they're not allowed to look wrinkly, grey hair and pubic hair is kind of part of that. I think that there is a growing trend with women embracing their body hair again and I love it, I get such a thrill to see a hairy leg on a woman. I think that there is quite a creepy beauty standard

[00:49:23] [SPEAKER_09] that is very related to women looking young and looking a little bit infantile.

[00:49:32] [SPEAKER_08] And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me, got a comment for us, go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question or your comment or email us a voice memo at q at savage.love or give us a call at 206 302 2064. Tried something new and want to tell me all about it? Email us at q at savage.love let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. And Nancy already told you but I am going to tell you again we are currently accepting questions for our next quickie show. Keep your

[00:50:01] [SPEAKER_08] quickie question under a minute. I will try to keep my quickie answer under two maybe three minutes and we'll see and we'll see how many questions we can pack into a single show. Or email voice memos to q at savage.love or leave us a message 206 302 2064. Follow me on blue sky at dan savage. Follow me on instagram at dan savage. Follow barney muckle on instagram at the underscore muckle underscore stoder. T stoder on blue sky and his podcast The Big Top where he discusses niche

[00:50:31] [SPEAKER_08] kinks is available wherever you get your podcasts. This podcast The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech subby at risk youth we will all be back at you next week on installment of The Savage Lovecast. Thank you for listening.