Savage Lovecast Episode 1024

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_04] You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin'.

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_01] If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual hormones, Savage Lovecast

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_03] Terry took me out to the ballgame for Father's Day. The Seattle Mariners versus the Boston Red Sox. The Mariners won, so that was nice, but the day was not without conflict. Terry and I got into an argument on the way to the stadium. That is not out of the ordinary for us. Arguing is our love language. Some people have anxious attachment styles. We have argumentative attachment styles. Way back when we were a brand new couple, we had two friends, another gay couple, who never fought.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_03] They called us the Bickersons. We wanted to be more like them and never argue. And then they had an argument, their very first argument after almost 10 years together, and immediately broke up. And we were like, oh, maybe we're doing something right. Maybe in the same way it's good for your body's immune system to have some exposure to pathogens. It's good for your relationship's immune system to have some exposure to conflict. So what were we fighting about on Father's Day on the way to the

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_03] game? The San Francisco Giants, which is another baseball team somewhere, had a pride night at their stadium a week or so earlier. And team members, they weren't required to wear hats with the team's iconic SF logo knocked out in rainbow colors they were invited to. And four members of the team didn't want to. One wore a regular cap, which he was allowed to do, but three others wore the rainbow

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_03] caps with Bible verses written on them. All four were pitchers. No catchers. Weird. Anyway, we've been through this before. Other baseball players have refused to wear rainbow merch at games and pride nights and hockey players have refused to wear rainbow jerseys at games. We'll see what happens when hockey starts up again in October, now that hockey is officially North America's gayest sport, thanks to that show, whose name I'm not allowed to mention on this show until that show's second season starts in

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_03] nine months. My position on these pride nights and the controversies that seem to come bundled with them? Yeah, we need to stop putting professional athletes in rainbow jerseys and hats. Not that this is we are doing, LGBT people. We didn't vote on this. This is being done by team owners and management and marketing departments. And I wish they'd stop because the optics are terrible. While most professional

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_03] athletes are happy to wear rainbows, there's always one or two who don't want to. And there's always an uproar when someone who doesn't want to wear the rainbow socks or gloves or the patch or the hat or the jersey claims they're being oppressed just by being asked to maybe think about wearing the rainbow hat or gloves or socks or jersey. Again, not forced to wear it, just asked maybe to wear it. And this semi-regular Pride Night at the Stadium controversy, it plays right into the hands of our

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_03] enemies, of social conservatives who argue that there is a rainbow mafia out there that won't settle for tolerance, which is all we're promised in a pluralistic society. Your fellow citizens have to put up with you and your shit. They don't have to celebrate you and your shit. But the gays, the social conservatives argue, the LGBTQIA pluses, they want you to celebrate them and wear their colors

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_03] or else. Or else what? They never say. Cross the mafia, you get the cement shoes. Cross the rainbow mafia, you get the ugly shoes, the bad highlights, the side eye. In reality, when a professional athlete crosses the rainbow mafia, they get paid. They get paid to go on the right-wing evangelical church speaking circuit to share their story about how oppressed they were by a hat.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_03] But there are real consequences for LGBT people in this. Because team owners are essentially handing our political enemies a stick that they can beat us with. And now that they've started doing these Pride Nights, they can't exactly stop because the right will beat us with that stick. So we're trapped. And after they started doing Pride Nights, they can't exactly stop because the right-wing will point to the fact that the Giants aren't doing a Pride Night anymore as proof that support for LGBT people is

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_03] falling off. So either way, they got a stick. So we're trapped in this endless cycle. Terry was all for it. It's the San Francisco Giants, he said. They're in San Francisco. It's right there in the name. It's a very gay city and the Giants have a lot of gay fans. And there are so many kids at games, especially at the Father's Day game we went to, and some of those kids are gay or lesbian or bi or

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_03] trans. And knowing the Giants are on their side might help them. Terry looked at me and said, you gotta give them hope, remember? So there I am conceding that, yes, there might be a kid in the stands who's gay and not out yet. And we do gotta give them hope, like Harvey Milk said. But there is a political butterfly effect here to consider. A rainbow-striped butterfly flaps its wings in Giant Stadium in San Francisco in June. And in November, the Dems lose a close Senate race in Iowa and fail to

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_03] take the majority. And the Trump administration can continue to pack the courts with judges who will roll back the hard-won rights that gay kid or that bi kid or that trans kid might have been hoping to enjoy when he grew up. This argument took us or sustained us from the front porch to the light rail station to the very long, slow-moving line we had to wait in to get into the stadium. But the

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_03] argument stopped after we could no longer hear ourselves over the screaming Seattle street preacher with the megaphone on the sidewalk, who, unlike the Pride merch Terry tells me, can be found at every single Mariner's home game. I made a little tape. I am not going to make you listen to it. Because you've heard it before. We've all heard it before. The way, the light, the little lamby divy who died for your sins,

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_03] repent or burn in hell. This guy was so loud. And have we heard? He kept screaming at everyone in line. He kept demanding, asking, have we heard? And I wanted to scream, yes, motherfucker, we've heard. We're Americans. We've all heard the sales pitch or the nails pitch. Not only are we Americans, we're Americans lined up outside a baseball stadium in America. If anyone forgot for a second where we were, the metal detectors we had to pass through before we got into

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_03] the stadium would remind them. Because if you want to commit a mass shooting at a baseball game in America, you'll have to commit it on the sidewalk outside the stadium before or after the game, as God intended, not inside the stadium during the game, USA, USA. Everyone in line took this guy, the street preacher in stride. Everyone ignored him. Everyone put up with him. Everyone tolerated him, which is as it should be. And then once we were in the stadium,

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_03] once we got to our seats, I saw it in the far corner with the team flags from other teams all over the country and the Washington state flag and the American flag, a pride flag, not shouting into a megaphone, not proselytizing, not trying to recruit, just existing, just being there, just enjoying the breeze and hanging out at the game like everybody else. It was a nice

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_03] gesture and it was more than enough. If there was a gay closeted kid in the stands, you gotta hope he saw it. And if baseball teams are looking for a way out of these pride month controversies, hey, how about leave the pride flag up, but spare us the hats and jerseys and patches on the players. Please stop minting martyrs. It's not helping. All right. Coming up on this week's show, a gay man is starting to resent his freaky fetish because

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_03] it's disqualifying for most people. It makes dating difficult. What is it? You'll have to listen to find out. Meanwhile, a woman's father has passed away. And as she was working through his affairs, she discovered dad's kink. Find out what that kink was also by listening to this week's show. And on the Magnum, I have a good long chat with clinical psychologist, Dr. Thomas Whitfield about gay men and dating and closet cases and sex education for LGBT people and the never ending mask for mask

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_03] controversy. And we also touch on why therapy speak can be so very annoying. That's on the Magnum Savage Love cast, which is half off for new subscribers all through the month of June. Another perk of becoming a Magnum sub Savage Love Live this week. Join me and my long suffering husband, Terry, for a Zoom hangout with Savage Love Magnum subs. Everyone's invited to ask us questions, even personal ones. And we will see if Terry and I can get through the whole hour without having an

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_03] argument. It's this Thursday, Savage Love Live at noon Pacific time, 3 p.m. East coast, 9 p.m. Central European time. If you're a Magnum sub, you'll receive the link in your email on the Thursday morning of Savage Love Live. That's this Thursday morning. Ready to join the chat at Savage Love Live? Go to savage.love and click subscribe now. All right, let's get to that first call. Let's find out what those kinks are. This episode is brought to you by Mack Weldon, timeless, innovative menswear to help

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_03] you move through the day with confidence. Get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code savage at MackWeldon.com. This episode is brought to you by Beducated. Sex is a skill or a skill set, and like any skill or skill set, it can be learned, practiced, mastered, and acquired. Beducated offers 150 plus expert-led courses on everything from G-spot orgasms to mind-boggling oral techniques.

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_03] Beducated gives you the knowledge, the exercises, and access to the experts that can help level up your sex life. Right now, click the link in the show notes to take Beducated's quiz and start your personalized pleasure journey. This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about load boost, drive boost, and soaking wet, and to get 10% off, visit vb.health and use the code savage.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_07] Hi, Dan and friends. I am a trans-feminine, 30-something, living in an East Coast city. I'm calling to kind of get you and your listeners' opinion about a bizarre interaction I had recently with someone I'm dating. Okay, so the backstory is I'm about a year and a half on hormones.

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_07] I took the first year off to focus on myself, and I've been dating again for the past several months with generally very positive experiences. And another thing that you should know about this story is that before hormone therapy, I was a donor for my best friend who is in a lesbian couple. We have a kid together. The kid is happy and healthy about a year and a half old.

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_07] Okay, so I've been chatting with this guy for about a month now. He is not from my area, but is living and working in my area for the near future. Great, we haven't met up yet, haven't had a first date, but we've been texting. It's gotten to the point where we text a little bit every day, and we've been talking on the phone more or less once a week for, I don't know,

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_07] maybe like half an hour plus. He's from the South. He is ostensibly straight, although is not like closeted about dating and being into trans girls. He's dated trans women before. He is blue collar. He is very macho, typically masculine looking, which I love. It's very hot. So into me, so sweet,

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_07] so affectionate, so sexy, thinks I'm sexy, like lots of green flags, a couple little red flags, but when you first start dating someone, like one isn't there. Okay, so we're chatting on the phone the other day, and I told him that I'm going to visit my friend who lives out of state and that my mom is coming with me. And in talking about it, you know, I told him about the situation,

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_07] which I in no way feel weird about. It's not weird to me. It's one part of my big life, right? His reaction was so weird. He was definitely taken aback by it. Although he didn't seem upset, he had a lot of questions. Among those questions, he wanted to know about the process, which we did not go through the medical establishment. It was very like an at-home kind of situation.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_07] Um, I feel very blessed that everything worked out and it wasn't, um, expensive or complicated with red tape in any way. And then he asked me, like, what if the kid wants to know you one day? And I was like, babe, the kid is going to know me. I'm in the kid's life. We're like, we're family.

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_07] And then he asked me, are you sure the kid is yours? And I'm kind of like, what's not clicking, honey? Like it was a very intentional process. It's two lesbians who are not having sex with men. Like there's no way that this could have been someone else by accident. And in the process of

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_07] explaining it to him, the call cut out mid sentence. In my mind, I was like, okay, it was kind of an awkward time for the call to drop. So I texted him and the text immediately was delivered. I called him back, rang a few times, sent a voicemail, called again, same thing. Okay, now it's been days since, since there's been any contact. Obviously he hung up on me when I was telling him about this. What the hell do you think is out? The people of my life has said

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_07] maybe he has daddy issues. Maybe he's like a deadbeat dad. I don't really know how to take it. What do you think? I'm trying to digest this interaction. Like after a month of vibing with someone to be abruptly cut off for being essentially a donor is like so freaking weird to me.

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_03] We'll never know for sure why this guy bounced. We'll never know for sure whether he was telling you the truth about having dated trans women in the past and not being closeted about dating trans women. You haven't met his friends or family. You don't know if he was bullshitting you or not. You don't know him. It does feel often like when we meet somebody online and we chit chat with them a lot. When we make that kind of emotional investment before meeting in person, we can really

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_03] begin to feel like we know someone and maybe it's true. Maybe we do know them, but we haven't been able to verify them. You never got to the point with him where you were able to verify the things he'd said about himself by meeting friends and family. You were never able to test what he told you about himself against the evidence. So yeah, we'll never know. We'll never know why he bounced. We'll never know

[00:15:43] [SPEAKER_03] if he was who he claimed to be. All we have to go on here is when he bounced, what you were talking about, what he was having a hard time wrapping his head around when he bounced. Could be daddy issues. He could be a deadbeat dad knowing that you are not a deadbeat parent. Maybe that made him feel

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_03] feelings and that's why he ran. Or maybe he was never planning to actually meet you. Maybe he was bullshitting and lying and enjoying the conversation and furiously jacking off, but had no intention of ever meeting you and was looking around for a reason to bounce. And he seized on this because if it went

[00:16:29] [SPEAKER_03] on much longer, he was going to have to put up or shut up, show up or shut up. And so he seized on this as an excuse to end the conversation. I didn't want to call it a relationship, the conversation. There's also another thing that takes me back listening to this guy freak out about a conversation

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_03] that really did center your dick, your ability to produce sperm cells, biological function that you undertook as a donor. Don't want to use the F word here, but father, you fathered a child, contributed genetic material in the way that the male of the species does. And I just remember

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_03] dealing with when I did drag and I went out and drag a lot, and this was 30 years ago. And there were drag queens and trans women and we hung out together in the bars, the gay bars on drag night, which was Tuesday night at the Brass Connection in Seattle was one of the few safe spaces where trans women could be out in public and they hung with us and we hung with them and it was good and copacetic. And we were

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_03] subjected to the attentions, the trans women at the Brass, the Brass Connection was the name of the bar. Everybody called it the height of the AIDS crisis, the ass infection. Always had a sense of humor about everything back then. Anyway, we would be subject to the attentions of what we called, and they are still called, in some circles, chasers. Guys who called them panty chasers, guys who were there

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_03] in hot pursuit of drag queens and or the trans girls. And I remember interactions with these guys where they were like, oh, you're so pretty, you're so pretty. And they would be insisting that I was biologically female, such a pretty woman, such a pretty girl. And I, being me, would look them in the eye and say, and they would say, you know, I want you to give me a blowjob. I want to fuck your

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_03] pussy. And I would say, you give me a blowjob first, and then we can talk about the blowjob I'll give you. And they would like literally look at me, go, oh, you don't have a penis. You don't have a, you're too pretty. You're a girl. You don't have a penis. And if I got it all sort of, not aggressive, but if I didn't drop it, if I was insistent about the fact that I had a penis, these guys would sometimes get real aggro. Now we had good bouncers at the Brass Connection on drag nights.

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_03] Wasn't worried for my physical safety. I was surrounded by friends and other drag queens. And yeah, I had backup, but the guys would get really freaked out if they were forced to think about the dick tucked between my legs. That may be what happened here with this guy. He may date trans women. I have spoken with trans women who have dated

[00:19:29] [SPEAKER_03] cis men, usually on the down low, who never saw their penises. Trans women who hadn't had bottom surgery dated cis men who never saw their penises. And in some cases, when they finally did, freaked the fuck out because they needed that space. They needed some denial. They needed, denial needed a continent. It needed a home and being reminded of the dick confronted with the

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_03] dick, having to think about the deck. If she had a deck freaked them out. Seems likely that that's what happened in this case, considering what you were talking about when the dude bounced. That's my theory. Ultimately, though, you're going to have to reconcile yourself to the fact that you will never know. And your experience of having made a large emotional investment, getting your hopes up about

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_03] this guy proves yet again that people shouldn't do that. If you have a good interaction with somebody off a dating app, insist on a meeting face-to-face in person early on. Now, I know the internet can bring people together who are states or continents or oceans apart, then insist on a FaceTime, insist on a bunch of FaceTimes and a plan to actually meet in person sooner rather than later.

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_04] Hi, Dan. I have a question to try and help understand someone better. My father passed just yesterday and we have to tidy up his affairs. And so I turned on his laptop and in looking for all of his documents,

[00:21:14] [SPEAKER_04] I discovered that my father had a foot tickling fetish. He was very private. He was not someone that was easy to get to know. And I'm a pretty vanilla person. I've listened to your podcast for a long time, but I just, I don't know. I just want to understand him better.

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_04] So if you could talk maybe about what draws someone to that, what does it say about them, their psychology? I just am trying to know a man who I love very much, but didn't know very well.

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_03] I'm so sorry for your loss. Sorry about the death of your father. And I'm sorry that you found his foot porn and his tickling porn. It really isn't that hard to understand. You say that you ask what this says about someone having this kind of porn, having this kind of kink, this man that you loved very much, but didn't know very well. It says something pretty simple

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_03] about him, that your dad was a sexual person, that your dad, like a lot of people, had a couple of kinks. Google partialism, if you want to understand foot fetishes, where they come from. And what tickling means is what a lot of kinks mean about a lot of different people. There's something about power and control, losing control, which somebody who's being tickled is losing control,

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_03] something about helplessness that turns a lot of human beings on for dot, dot, dot reasons. Fundamentally harmless. It doesn't mean anything sinister about your dad. It doesn't mean your dad was mentally ill. It just means your dad was human and your dad, unfortunately, didn't have the time to

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_03] delete his porn from his computer. And it was sitting there waiting for you to find it after his passing. And again, my heart goes out to you. And I wonder if at this moment of grief and loss, you aren't seizing on this as a thing to focus on and think about because to think about the loss of

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_03] your father is too hard, too difficult, too enormous. And so you're focusing on this thing that really doesn't tell you anything about your dad that you didn't already know or weren't in a position to assume that your dad was a human being, that your dad was a sexual person. And that like almost all sexual people, your dad had some kinks, some turn-ons that were

[00:24:07] [SPEAKER_03] non-normative. There's a study a few years ago, I always like to bring it up. I should look it up. I should link to it and cite it by name sometime. I'm just going to summarize it here quickly. They wanted to look at paraphilias, paraphilias, non-normative sexual desires, aka kinks. And what the researchers found was that most people have at least one. Most people have at least one paraphilia, which means they are not non-normative sexual interests. They are all taken

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_03] together normal. It is normal to have a kink or two. So all you found out about your dad when you stumbled over his porn and had a glimpse into his erotic imagination was that he was normal. He was a sexual person. Not something we want to think about when it comes to our parents. I mean, essentially we're talking here, forgive me for this if this sounds crude at a moment like

[00:25:04] [SPEAKER_03] this, but it is what we're talking about. The shit that made your dad's dick hard. There are things a mother has a right not to know, my mom likes to say. To me, I think, especially about some of the things I was out there in the world doing. She appreciated that I spared her. I think the reverse applies too. I think there are things about our parents that we have a right

[00:25:27] [SPEAKER_03] not to know and that we find out sometimes when our parents pass because it falls to us to clear out their houses and their apartments and to dispose of things and to open up their laptops, to find the documents that we need to shut down the accounts and end the subscriptions that need to be shut down

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_03] or ended. And there it is. Your dad's porn collection or your dad's browser history or your mom's porn collection, which could take the form of dirty stories about vampires and werewolves crowding her Kindle. It's there and you are going to stumble over it. And all it tells you is something that you knew. Your dad had a dick. Your dad was human. Your dad had turn-ons. You have turn-ons.

[00:26:18] [SPEAKER_03] Your dad had some non-normative sexual desires, which is paradoxically very normal. Again, I'm really sorry for your loss. And I want to emphasize that being into feet or tickling, it's not evidence of sociopathy. Doesn't mean your dad was a bad or evil guy. He just had a couple

[00:26:41] [SPEAKER_03] of kinks and hopefully he had in his life some joy, took some joy from them, had some pleasure because of them, met some people, had some experiences as he moved through the world with really the gift that a kink can be. Because it can take you places. It can result in you connecting with people that you wouldn't have connected with otherwise if you didn't have this shared sexual

[00:27:07] [SPEAKER_03] interest in ways that wind up enhancing your life, not just sexually, but socially, emotionally, intimately. And I wish all of that on your dad. I hope he didn't struggle with shame. I hope he didn't fear judgment. And I think the kindest thing you can do for your dad to honor his memory now is not to judge him. And again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[00:27:32] [SPEAKER_03] This episode is brought to you by Mack Weldon. I'm getting ready to step out during pride. Terry has forced me to leave the house and I want to look good when I do. I always want to look good when Terry forces me to leave the house, but it gets sweaty out there. Mack Weldon's Airknit Fabric Collection is coming to the rescue. They first used this fabric in underwear, but they've expanded its use to a whole collection of cool looking and cool feeling clothes. This light fabric

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[00:28:56] [SPEAKER_08] Hey, Dan and the tech savvy at Risk Youth. I'm a queer guy in my early 30s. I have a question about having kinks that limit the dating pool and how to avoid resenting them for that. I have a kink that's likely to be a deal breaker for a sizable portion of the dating pool, diapers. I'm one of those early adopters you talk about meeting at kink parties where the wires crossed early and it's always just kind of been there. I've come to realize that it's

[00:29:22] [SPEAKER_08] important enough to my sexual practice that I really need my eventual partner to be affirming at the least, even if they don't participate themselves. But realizing this standard is likely to limit my dating pool and considering how hard it's already been to find partners who really do have enough boxes checked has led me to feel frustration and resentment that I'm even in this position with the kink that I have. Like my romantic life would be a lot easier if I wasn't

[00:29:47] [SPEAKER_08] into diapers. I'm calling because at this stage, I just didn't expect to be here where I'm now resenting this aspect of how I connect with people right after I felt like I accepted it as being necessary to how I express myself. I feel like I've done a lot of work to shed the shame, but not enough, I guess. Do you have any help or insight for how to get through this period of resentment?

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_08] I don't want to hate this, but like, I'm just really frustrated by it right now.

[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_03] First, I want to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. You being into diapers, that being your kink, nobody chooses your kink. That kink chose you very likely to be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. Your romantic life would be easier if you weren't into diapers. Your romantic life would also be easier if you weren't into dudes. Another thing you didn't choose that complicated your search

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_03] for a mate and holding out for a partner who is at least affirming, even if they don't participate, you're absolutely right to do that. You shouldn't go back into the closet or you shouldn't be closeted about your kinks. You don't want to be with somebody that you have to hide your sexuality from, including your kinks. We know, you know, I know as gay men that being closeted about our sexual orientation sucks. Being in a relationship with someone

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_03] of the same sex, if you're gay and having to be closeted about your kinks or to pretend that you somehow reached into your erotic imagination circuit board and yanked them out for your partner's comfort, that isn't going to work. So you're absolutely right to hold out for an affirming partner or a partner who shares your kink may mean you're going to have to hold out a little bit longer.

[00:31:38] [SPEAKER_03] But those guys are out there. I go to big fetish events. I see the diaper guys. There are lots of diaper guys at big fetish events. There are lots of guys on blue sky and Twitter who are into diapers, who are very out about their kink. There is a community for you out there and a pool of potential romantic partners

[00:32:04] [SPEAKER_03] from which to draw. Now, you don't just need the guy to be gay. You need the guy to be into or tolerant of your kink. And then you need to be, or before even that, you need to be sexually attracted to them. You need to be emotionally attracted to them. Romantically, they need to be appealing. You have to want the same things out of life. There are so many hurdles. Bearing that in mind might help put your diapers into perspective, might help keep your resentments in check. Everybody out there,

[00:32:34] [SPEAKER_03] there is something. I think of short guys, short straight guys in particular, who didn't choose to be short, can't do anything about being short and are ruled out by a lot of people as potential romantic partner, by a lot of women as potential romantic partners because a lot of women have a strong preference for romantic partners who are taller than them. It is a problem. It is a complication for you.

[00:32:59] [SPEAKER_03] You will feel differently when, not if, when you hit the jackpot. When you meet a guy who you tell about your kink and he is open-minded, maybe not out of the gate, maybe not from the jump, a lot of people lay their kink cards on the table, get a negative reaction from a partner who, if you don't immediately dump them or if you don't crawl away because you feel so shamed, you can't look them in the eye ever

[00:33:25] [SPEAKER_03] again. A lot of people share their kinks with partners who aren't interested and their partners come around, become the affirming partner that you deserved, that they hoped they would be. That can happen in time. You should date, meet guys and just be open about your kink and not just meet vanilla guys or guys you presume to be vanilla who probably have kinks of their own. They're going to have to tell you about and then

[00:33:51] [SPEAKER_03] you get to model the kind of tolerant or affirming behavior that you would like to see from them. But also the guys online who are into diapers, who are on gay dating apps in diapers, who are at big fetish events in diapers, I don't want to say they are your people because just having a kink in common doesn't make them members of your little curated section of the community, your tribe, your chosen family

[00:34:21] [SPEAKER_03] necessarily. But some of them surely could be and could be romantic partners. So you will hit the jackpot. You will find a guy. I know too many guys into diapers who are partnered to think that this makes you undateable, unfuckable, unmarriageable. You will meet a guy. And if it's a guy who shares your kink, you will have your kink to thank for bringing you two together. And then you will feel

[00:34:47] [SPEAKER_03] very differently about your kink and much less resentful of your kink. And if it's a guy who is affirming or can get to affirming and allows you to do this and explore your kink and enjoy your fetish with other guys, you will have your kink to thank for the conversations you were able to have with that guy that you wound up partnering with who doesn't share your kink. Your kink is the reason you had these kinds of emotionally tricky conversations early in the relationship where you were able to

[00:35:17] [SPEAKER_03] demonstrate to each other that you should be together because you could have this conversation. And you had it because of your kink. And you will have your kink to thank for those conversations that bring you closer with the guy who doesn't share your kink if your kink doesn't bring into your life a guy who shares your kink. So I feel you. I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Get out there. Move through the

[00:35:44] [SPEAKER_03] world. Find your guy. Wear your guys. Sometimes there's more than one. And you'll feel differently about your kink. This episode is brought to you by Drive Boost by VB Health. Libido is a life force. No matter your gender, if you're struggling to feel desire, you're not alone in this anxiety-wracked world. I think we should reach for any help we can to kindle our erotic lives and Drive Boost can help you get your spark back. That is why we are excited to tell you about Drive Boost from VB Health.

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[00:37:08] [SPEAKER_00] VB.health. Hi, Dan. I'm a 40-year-old lesbian. I've been with my girlfriend now for nearly four years, and I mean, we have a good sex life. We're really happy. But I'm starting to feel a little bit like a straight man in that I'm feeling a bit inadequate and I'm feeling a bit threatened by my girlfriend's vibrators. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me just explain. I come really fast. She can

[00:37:34] [SPEAKER_00] finger me or go down on me for like five minutes and I'll come. And with her, she just takes so much more stimulation. So I'll often be going down on her for like half an hour and she can't get there. And I mean, I used to be able to make her come more. It seems like lately we've just really got into a rut where it's like now after half an hour, she pulls out the vibrator. And yet I might be involved with the vibrator. Like I might still be doing stuff, but I've kind of feel like I don't

[00:38:03] [SPEAKER_00] need to be there. And I know that she takes like a lot, a long time with the vibrator too. You know, for me, 30 seconds and that's all I need with her. It's more like five minutes. So I get that she just needs a lot of stimulation, like intense vibrations to come, but I just am starting to feel a bit like I might as well not even be there. And like, I'm just not doing a good job of pleasing her. And it's making me kind of just feel a bit like, why even bother trying? I don't know.

[00:38:30] [SPEAKER_00] Probably just need a bit of a pep talk or a bit of a reframing or something around this. But yeah,

[00:38:36] [SPEAKER_03] it's just making me feel a bit shit actually. It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. You are being ridiculous. You know, you're being ridiculous. That's why you called in for this pep talk and you are right right out of the gate, start of your call. You are right. This is very straight coded. It is very much a kind of straight guy reaction to feel threatened by the vibrator because his girlfriend can't come from just PIV like all of his other girlfriends could

[00:39:05] [SPEAKER_03] or led him to believe they could. He finally meets the girlfriend who's like, I would like you to use this vibrator. And he has a meltdown, feels inadequate. Like he doesn't even have to be there. Like the vibrator is all she needs as if the presence of another human being during sex and that vibrator being in the hands of that other human being during sex isn't an enhancement, isn't

[00:39:28] [SPEAKER_03] sex, sex play, sex play with toys. As I've said to straight guys in the past, we don't look at people who just build a house and ask them if they used a hammer and then tell them they didn't really build the house because they used that tool. When you get your girlfriend off with the vibrator, you built that orgasm you used to hammer, but you built that orgasm. You made that happen for her using

[00:39:53] [SPEAKER_03] the tools necessary, the tools needed to build that fucking house, to give her that fucking orgasm. And it's great that you can come and come quickly and come from oral and come from digital stimulation, but everybody and everybody's body is different. You say that you're 40, how old's your girlfriend? That her ability to come from just the kind of stimulation that you provide or provided in the

[00:40:23] [SPEAKER_03] past, she was able to come in the past quickly. It was always longer. It took longer for her, but you could get her there. Maybe there's been a shift related to age or periomenopause, and this is how her body works now. And rather than having a meltdown about needing to use the vibrator, I feel like, here's the pep talk, you need a shift where you are grateful the vibrator

[00:40:48] [SPEAKER_03] is there so that after your girlfriend going down on you for five minutes and you getting off, you don't have to go down on her for two and a half hours to get her off. I'm sure you have other things. Maybe you're into Tantra, maybe you want the six hour sex play sessions. Most people don't. You have other things to do. Real life dishwashers to unload, lawns to mow. I guess I should use that metaphor in reference to lesbian sex or a question about lesbian sex, but you got other things to do.

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_03] And so you've got the vibrator there to help you out. And the last thing you want to do with a partner who needs that boost. And a lot of the clitoral tissues, as I'm sure I don't need or shouldn't need to tell you, a woman, a lot of clitoral tissues are deep inside the body. So if in the last four years, maybe five years, if your partner's put on weight or they've lost weight or

[00:41:44] [SPEAKER_03] their body has changed in some way, maybe they took up running, who knows, but she may require now more intense stimulation that's hitting the internal clitoral tissues, not just the head of the clitoris that you can reach with your tongue, but the deep inside buried inside her abdomen clitoral tissues that she can stimulate with that vibrator or you can stimulate with that vibrator for her.

[00:42:12] [SPEAKER_03] What you've got to do when your partner needs the boost of a sex toy to get there in a reasonable frame of time is to regard not that sex toy as a competitor or a reason that you don't even need to be in the room, but as an extension of you, of your body, of your ability there to enhance your ability to give your partner pleasure. And you don't, it'll make her take even longer to come.

[00:42:37] [SPEAKER_03] If it gets into her head that you resent the hammer that you are using, that she's asking you to use, to build that fucking house for her, to make that orgasm happen for her. Vibrator is your friend. And I would encourage you, you know what? I think part of the problem here, you give a chronology where there's a certain point when you're having sex with your girlfriend where you've gotten off and it's taking her forever and then she gets the vibrators out.

[00:43:06] [SPEAKER_03] So that moment when she gets the vibrators out right now, it's probably loaded with some sense of resignation or disappointment that she, where she's disappointed in herself and you've tried and tried and now you're disappointed in yourself because here comes the vibrators. I couldn't do it for you. So now we need, I would encourage you to incorporate the vibrators

[00:43:29] [SPEAKER_03] from the jump, from the get-go, have them out already, incorporate them into foreplay so that when they're brought out, so they're not brought out because you failed to get her off. They're just a part of getting her off from the start. Use the vibrator, use your tongue, use your fingers, use the vibrator, use your tongue, use the fingers and big finish with the vibrator at the end. And then the vibrator

[00:43:55] [SPEAKER_03] won't symbolize failure. The vibrator will then symbolize sex. When you see the vibrator out, it means you're going to have sex with your partner. It doesn't mean that you've failed at having sex with your partner. Not anymore. If you can have the right attitude about it. And you know what? You can. Most lesbians do. You can let this straight-coated, straight boy shit go. You're going to

[00:44:21] [SPEAKER_03] have to. You must. You can. And you must. There's your pep talk. Being good and bad, it's not a genetically inherited trait. It is a skill you learn, practice, and eventually master. Way back when Terry and I first started dating, we had to learn each other's bodies. It was my favorite class. And we did it. And 30 years later, we are still doing it. But I wished we'd had a tool at our disposal then, when we first met,

[00:44:46] [SPEAKER_03] like Beducated. Beducated is the world's largest platform for sex education that you never had, but always wanted. And with Beducated, you can learn how to be truly great in bed. One of the standout features of Beducated is the variety of courses they offer, from hot massage techniques to adventurous play, from tantra to kink. There's something for everyone. So many of the things I talk about in this show can be learned in depth on Beducated. Beducated offers clear video tutorials,

[00:45:16] [SPEAKER_03] practical exercises, and reliable information, which is always so important. You can choose to learn on your own or with your partner, and their content is inclusive, embracing all races, sexual orientations, and genders. Beducated has a two-minute quiz that will recommend a personalized roadmap to sexual happiness just for you. Right now, click the link in the Lovecast show notes and go to beducated.com to kick off your personal pleasure journey.

[00:45:44] [SPEAKER_09] Hey, Dan. I'm hoping you can help me with a problem my partner and I have. We love to do kinky scenarios where I'm often topping her in a power exchange. She's witty, she's smart, and she has a very sharp tongue. So that means I often require to be quiet under threat, and that's fun for us both. But I also want the option of really shutting her up, and that's our problem. Silk ties pull at her neck and jaw. That's uncomfortable. Typical ball gags are too big for her mouth.

[00:46:14] [SPEAKER_09] That's uncomfortable. Bit-style gags hurt and distract, and tape seems pretty dangerous. Do you have any suggestions for me to get this woman to really shut up? Physically speaking, of course.

[00:46:26] [SPEAKER_03] There are itty-bitty, teeny-weeny ball gags out there. If all you're finding when you go to the sex toy shop are giant ball gags, you might want to look around online. You might want to go to a woman-owned sex toy shop where you will find, are likelier to find, itty-bitty ball gags, if ball gag is the way that you want to go. I don't know why you think tape is dangerous. Of course, using something like duct tape, and I checked

[00:46:55] [SPEAKER_03] in with a bondage freak pal about this, duct tape, it sticks, it's going to pull hair out. What you need to Google, and what you can order online, Amazon has it. They even call it bondage tape. It's self-adhesive bondage tape. Self-adhesive, use the hyphen, that is the phrase you need to put into the online search that you do to buy the bondage tape that is safe to use, because it's not sticky. It's not like duct tape or packing tape. It's not going to stick to her

[00:47:21] [SPEAKER_03] hair. Self-adhesive tape sticks only to itself, and you can wrap it around her mouth, all the way around her head, around her hair, and if you really want to shut somebody up using a tape gag, you wrap, wrap, wrap around the mouth, all the way around the head, and then you wrap under the chin and over the head, and that keeps the mouth shut without a bit gag, without a ball gag, with no pressure on the

[00:47:49] [SPEAKER_03] jaw, with no nothing holding the mouth open, which is uncomfortable after usually a very short period of time for most people, and it isn't dangerous. It is perfectly safe. So get thee to the internet, open a web browser, and search self-adhesive bondage tape, and you're welcome. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about

[00:48:17] [SPEAKER_03] last week's show at savage.love. Says Thingamajig, I find it hilarious that Dan's version of worst-case scenario disease for a glory hole is uncle sucks my dick, and not, as mine would be, severe penile trauma. Well, Thingamajig, I think you can say that because you haven't met my uncles. Says Quippo, just a little precision on your French, Dan. A menage a trois is actually three people living together,

[00:48:43] [SPEAKER_03] or at least having some sort of arrangement that goes further than a threesome, literal translation three-way household. A simple threesome would be a plan a trois, which sounds a little less poetic. Thingamajig, jump back into the comment thread to say, words mean what people use them to mean, menage a trois absolutely can mean threesome in the English-speaking community. Miriam Webster lists it as the second definition. Thank you, Thingamajig, for defending my honor. Says

[00:49:12] [SPEAKER_03] Brayden Peterson, for the guy wanting another word for rubbing two penises together, primatologists who work on bonobos call it penis fencing. It's a common activity between male teenage bonobos who hang face-to-face from the same branch and swing in a way that rubs their erections together. To make it sound less medical, maybe cock fencing. But I think it was Delk over on Blue Sky who had the best idea for

[00:49:35] [SPEAKER_03] what to call this thing when two guys rub their things together. Gland-to-gland combat. All right, if you've got something to say about something I said on this week's show, you can jump into the comment thread at savage.love and say it there. Or you can give us a call at 206-302-2064, or record your comment as a voice memo and email it to us at q at savage.love. And now, Savage Love listeners who left messages on our answering machine about last week's show,

[00:50:03] [SPEAKER_03] get to have, as they always do, the last word on this week's show.

[00:50:08] [SPEAKER_02] Hi, this is a comment for Dan's advice for the trans woman who has a friend whose partner supported Putin and Trump and is now transitioning. Obviously, radical self-care is really important, but it's also like you have to let people back in. I would have loved to have an opportunity to find out

[00:50:34] [SPEAKER_02] like, with this transition, have their politics changed? Are they still in favor of all of the shit that Putin and Trump purport to want to do? Because if we can't bring people back in from that side of the equation, then we're fucked. So yes, take care of yourself, but also remember, you have to let people change their minds if they're changing their minds.

[00:51:03] [SPEAKER_05] This is a response for the woman in episode 1023, who was super concerned about what consenting gay people were doing with other consenting gay people. Dan, I think you were far too nice to her. From one straight cis lady to another, this is so far from our business. It's just crazy to me that you didn't take the counsel of your real life gay friend and were so disturbed by this that you called into

[00:51:27] [SPEAKER_05] a podcast. I mean, there's just no reason for straight cis people to be inserting ourselves into the inner community of queer folks. You know, queer folks aren't a monolith, and there's definitely conversations about consent happening, but those conversations are started and led by queer folks for queer folks, not, you know, helicopter cis straight ladies. It's kind of the same pearl-clutching, feigning concern about morality that motivates conservative Republicans

[00:51:55] [SPEAKER_05] to try and stop and police and eliminate parts of queer life. Like, they just don't need that, and there's so many other things that we need to be worried about. Like, if you're so concerned about this, you know, look at what the homeless youth in your area need. Don't worry about what

[00:52:10] [SPEAKER_06] people are doing in bars. Regarding episode 1023, titled Impromptu Anal, I listened to that show during the day, and later that night I found myself bent over getting pegged by my wife having, you've guessed it, impromptu anal. So thank you, Savage Lovecast, for a fantastic title. Secondly, to the caller who mentioned that prepping for anal doesn't feel fun, spontaneous, sexy,

[00:52:37] [SPEAKER_06] I actually find that the prep is part of the fun, knowing that you're preparing your body for something taboo and you're going out being pragmatically seeking anal sex is just a special feeling that you get to have. And on top of that, you might find yourself having an evening where you've prepped and you're ready, but your partner doesn't find themselves inside of you that way.

[00:53:06] [SPEAKER_06] And going home, having prepped for anal sex and not getting it really makes for a special, dirty, slutty feeling that I hope you enjoy.

[00:53:16] [SPEAKER_03] And we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem? Got a relationship quandary? Got a comment for us? Go to savage.love slash askdan to record and upload your question or comment directly onto our website. Or you can record a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at q at savage.love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064. And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me, send us an email at q at savage.love. Let us know what you

[00:53:45] [SPEAKER_03] tried and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. The 2026 Hump Awards are out. Go to humpfilmfest.com on Instagram to find out which films were audience favorites this year. Meet the winners and catch a glimpse of the best collection of short forms from not anywhere on the planet. And the call for submissions for Hump 2027 is out. So if you want to become an award-winning filmmaker in 2027 or you just want to show off with your sexy friends, head to humpfilmfest.com

[00:54:13] [SPEAKER_03] slash submit for all the info you need about getting your dirty little masterpiece into our dirty little film festival. Magnum subs. Don't forget this Thursday, noon Pacific time, 3 p.m. New York City time, 9 p.m. Central European time, Savage Love Live, the pre-pride Savage Love Live for our Magnum subs. Joining me at this Savage Love Live, my husband, Terry will be there. We will

[00:54:39] [SPEAKER_03] take some questions together and who knows, maybe we'll get into one of those arguments we sometimes get into. Follow me at bluesky at dansavage. Follow me on Instagram at dansavage. Follow Dr. Thomas Whitfield on Instagram at drthomas. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week on our installment of the Savage Love Cast. Thank you for downloading. This episode of the Savage Love Cast is brought

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