After Action Report #49

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_02] This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about Load Boost, Drive Boost, and Soaking Wet, and to get 10% off, visit vb.health and use the code SAVAGE.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00] You're listening to After Action Report at savage.live

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_02] After Action Report Welcome to After Action Report, where my listeners share stories of their sexual exploits and adventures. This week, we meet Julia, who got some bad news at home, news that knocked her off her game, but a trip to Bali and a chance meeting set her right. Julian Shaw, welcome to the show.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00] Hey, Dan. Thanks for having me.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_02] Thank you for being had. All right. So before we get to what you tried, the reason you want to come on After Action Report and share, tell us a little bit about who you are.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00] Well, I'm 30. I'm bisexual. And I live in a major city in Australia in a pretty kind of queer progressive area. And actually, I have been a reader of the column since I was far too young in high school in the early 2010s. So it's really cool to sit with you here today.

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_02] How did you get your hands on the column in the 2010s? Was I in a paper in Australia or were you online early?

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, I think I have memories of sort of carefully reading it on probably my iPod back then at night when I should have been sleeping.

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_02] Well, I hope it didn't do you too much harm.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00] Things are dead not okay.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_02] I hope it helped. All right. So what did you want to come on the show and talk about? What's the new thing that you did?

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_00] Well, I recently had a very fun, kinky holiday hookup, but it was actually very healing and very reconnecting to my sexual identity after a really traumatic experience of being diagnosed with genital herpes.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_02] Oh, I'm so sorry. That can be very traumatic. I think people often overreact to a herpes diagnosis in most people's lives, especially with the suppression medications that are available. It's not a very big deal. And I hope that's been your experience since, although there's so much stigma attached to it that the diagnosis can knock the wind out of you, even if the reality of living with herpes in most people's experience is not too traumatic.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00] Oh, absolutely. You know, there's the logical part of your brain that understands that it's this really harmless common virus. It's literally just a skin bliss stop. But it was a huge shock to me when I found out. And I think particularly as a sexually adventurous person who was very much living kind of an open, sexually adventurous life, especially at that time, it really felt like it was going to change my world forever.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_02] And it can sometimes, I think, put this up on your head. You feel like I'm sexually adventurous. I've let go of my hangups. I'm out there having experiences and adventures. And there's almost this sense when you contract a sexually transmitted infection, which is part of the cost of doing business as a sexually adventurous person, having multiple partners and experiences. There's almost this sense of, oh, I deserved this or like I had this coming.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_02] Put an additional zap on your head.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00] I really blamed myself.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_02] And you shouldn't. And like you said, the logical part of your brain knows you shouldn't. But then there's the irrational reptile part of our brains, which sees connections and sees causation where there is just chance. And there's always a chance. How long ago were you diagnosed? And how long did it knock you out of action?

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00] Well, it was summer, just last summer in Southern Hemisphere. So not that long ago, less than six months ago, and I had a regular partner who we were really exploring a lot together. Lots of threesomes, my first sex party, cuckolding, like just having the summer of my life, to be honest. But it all, yeah, it came crashing down. And although he gave it to me, that's very clear.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00] He didn't want to hear it, basically, and refused to speak to me or see me once I let him know what was happening.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_02] Oh, my God.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, it was really hard.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_02] All right. I think I speak for everyone listening right now when I say, hate him. I hate him. Oh, my God. We all hate him. Not how you react in a situation like that as a loving, responsible partner, especially who asked for or wanted to go on these kinds of sexual adventures. You've got to be there in the clutch when something like this, which is a possibility, can happen. All right. So my sympathy to you.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_02] And I wish, I mean, I don't wish this had ever happened to you. I wish you had never contracted HSV. But I wish if it had to happen, you would have been with somebody who was a better human being when it happened.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00] Well, look, at least it's over and I can move forward with my life more positively. So, you know, it feels a lot better now.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_02] It's moving forward that you wanted to come on the show to talk about. So what was the thing you did that was so healing?

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00] Well, I had had a few dates and hookups back in Australia after the diagnosis and the disclosures had gone pretty well. But it definitely felt like a really anxious, loaded conversation. You know, if I knew something like that might be coming up, I was thinking about it all week. How am I going to say it? Where? In person or text? What will their response be? And it was always fine. But I was then on holiday in Indonesia and I was by myself for a few days before a friend was joining me.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00] And I was pretty keen to have a fun holiday hookup and just shake off the bad vibes of the past couple of months. So I got on field, obviously, and I matched with this guy and he sent me a very unexpected opening message. There was something along the lines of, oh, how can life be so cruel? I've just matched with this gorgeous kinky woman. But I have a cold sore this week.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_02] So before you could disclose, before you'd even begun, before you'd seen the message, before you'd been able to wrestle with how or when or whether or what his reaction might be, he disclosed his own HSV.

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, I honestly couldn't believe it. It felt made up, but I got a really good laugh out of it.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_02] And so what did you say back?

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00] I said, well, funny story, actually. And I just briefly kind of let him know about my situation. And it was just a non-issue. We just kept chatting and made a plan to meet the next day and didn't really talk about it any further. It was just very light and easy, which is very much what I needed.

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_02] A little bit like my go-to example so often, but the three way that went well that we never hear about. We hear about the disclosures around having HIV or HSV or HPV that went disastrously, where someone reacted out of ignorance, stigma. They were shaming. We hear about those. I get calls about those. But when someone discloses and the other person's like, oh, yeah, me too, or it's a non-issue or it goes well, that doesn't generate a phone call.

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_02] And I think that contributes to the fear that some people have that disclosure is always going to be risky or that it's always going to go poorly. When if you're matter of fact about it and like he was, you could wind up disclosing to someone who is about to disclose the same thing to you or someone who has a positive reaction. And again, like the three way that went well, where no one had a hurt feeling and everybody's happy afterwards, I don't get a call about it.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, exactly. And I think the spontaneity of it as well. I think when I was first diagnosed, I truly felt that I would never have a one night stand again. I would never just be able to meet someone on holiday, meet someone out in the world and have a casual encounter because who would take that on for, you know, just that? That was a huge fear of mine. So, yeah, it felt really good.

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_02] And of course, if you're out there in the world having casual encounters, I'm sorry, you're not exactly volunteering for herpes, but you are, you need to be a grown up about your ambient risk of exposure. Because most people who have herpes or HSV or cold doors don't know they have it. They had one outbreak a million years ago. They've never had another. They could still possibly be infectious, but they don't know to disclose because they don't know. And you move through that world having one night stands.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_02] And I'm sorry, you can't be a baby about the risks that you're assuming as an adult and the possibility. Okay, so he disclosed, you disclosed, you kept chatting and then?

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah, we went on a date, I think the next day and I found him to be great. He was good looking. He was a European guy that had been living there for a couple of years. He was really intelligent. We had great conversation and just all of those things that you hope will be there when you meet someone from an app just definitely were. And we had a great meal and some drinks and everything was going really well.

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_02] You said it was a kinky hookup in the end. What kind of kink are we talking about?

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_00] Look, he had definitely expressed that he was interested in or that, you know, he was dominant, which is something I can go for sometimes, but that I hadn't in a while actually. And he had just finished building a villa about 20 minutes out of town a couple of days beforehand randomly. So we got on the bike and I felt like I was in a movie.

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00] You know, I was on holiday and I was finally free and living life and ended up at this gorgeous villa in the jungle rice paddies in the absolute middle of nowhere where I might have been murdered. And this house looked like it was always, I don't know, Fifty Shades of Grey or something. It was so glamorous. It was so sexy, brand new, all this dark wood, an infinity pool dropping off into the jungle. And his room was all glass.

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00] It was like a fishbowl, glass on three sides, canopy four poster bed just surrounded by a jungle.

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_02] Wow. I would have come right then.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00] It was really sexy. The house tour was very good foreplay actually. So, yeah, but once we got started, it was even better. We went skinny dipping in the pool and went up to this sexy glass fishbowl where anyone could have seen if there was anyone around. We opened up all the windows. The wind was kind of coming through and then he disappeared for a little bit.

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_01] This is like a movie.

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_00] It was. I was so living my main character moment. But he disappeared for a second and he came back with a duffel bag. And I thought, oof, this might be it for me. I don't know what's about to happen here. But he opened it and it was full of lingerie and toys and bondage gear. Now, I'm a germaphobe, but these things were wrapped actually, which mattered to me.

[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_01] Sparkling clean. Yeah, absolutely. Responsible doms clean their gear between sessions.

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_00] Yeah. And he said, you're going to choose what I will use on you tonight. And I had never worn a collar before and I saw one in there and that was interesting to me. And I love being dressed. I love the process of bondage and kind of having someone put something on you or put you in a certain position. And so, yeah, we picked some things that he put on and, yeah, took it from there.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_02] Wow. And it was a good experience?

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_00] Oh, it was amazing.

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_02] Because there's so much climbing the stairs here. Like that famous saying from Casanova, the ultimate moment is climbing the stairs. You know, when it's about to happen. And it was about to happen when you got that message. It was about to happen when you had such a wonderful date. It was about to happen. You're somebody climbing the stairs literally probably into this villa and then into this bedroom. About to happen when you went skinny dipping. Then he gets a duffel bag. It's about to happen. So many climbing the stairs moments in this one hookup. I'm jealous.

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_00] That's so true. I'm so envious. Well, the actual sex certainly didn't disappoint. And I think I just felt there's a freedom to submission, right? And I think I really needed that freedom to let go in this moment. And I like to be watched. So being up in this kind of glass treehouse was very fun. I remember at one point he was behind me and he sort of went down and kind of growled in my ear, like, scream louder. No one can hear you.

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_00] It was really sexy.

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_02] In some off-the-shelf European accent, too. My God.

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_00] Uh-huh. Of course.

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_02] All right. That sounds like an amazing and very healing experience. I've been there. I've been there when the duffel bag came out. I had the same moment of anxiety. I wasn't in as amazing a place when I've had my duffel bag moments. I'm jealous. I'm really jealous. What an amazing experience. I want to ask, because it's really the kind of instigating event. He said that he had a cold sore at that moment. Yeah. How did you navigate around it? Was the cold sore on his mouth?

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_02] Were there things you didn't do because he currently had a cold sore? And you were able to enjoy everything?

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_00] Yes. Yeah. It really wasn't a big deal. I've had partners in the past, boyfriends, who've had cold sores, and we would just avoid kissing when they had something active. And it was basically the same. So we just didn't kiss on the lips. But we certainly could kiss each other's necks and bodies. But I didn't receive oral sex from him.

[00:13:21] [SPEAKER_02] Are you going to see him again? Or was this a one-time thing?

[00:13:25] [SPEAKER_00] Well, he did have a place on the other side of the country that we met up at a few days later.

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_02] Oh, my God. And was it a letdown? Sometimes you have an amazing kind of peak sexual experience with somebody. And how do they top it? Literally, the dom. How does he top it? Was he able to top it? Was the next one as good? Probably, you know, it's not going to be as new. Like the duffel bag came out and you were like, well, am I going to get killed? You don't have that kind of adrenaline pumping, cortisone pumping arousal moment.

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_02] Fear can be intensely erotic if it's framed in the right way. It sounds like it was. Was the second go when you met up with him at his other property? Oh, my God. Hot, rich, dominant, European? I know. You ran the table. Was the second time as good?

[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_00] Yes and no. So yes, in that the sex was just as good. If anything, we went further and we did more of a planned scene and, you know, even more kind of fun, exciting stuff. But at the same time, I think seeing someone a second time, it makes them a real person, especially when it is this holiday fantasy of the, you know, rich, hot, you're older, European guy. Right.

[00:14:36] [SPEAKER_00] As much as it was great and fantastic, I think I'm really glad I saw him a second time and he became just a real person. So that now back in my real life in Australia, I don't feel too hung up on the fantasy that will never be.

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_02] So this experience in Bali, has it led to you feeling freer and more open to people and experiences now that you're home?

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_00] Definitely. Definitely. I feel like myself again. I really feel like myself again. And I just, I'm so grateful.

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_02] That's so wonderful. That is so wonderful. In the same way that we hear about the three ways that went disastrously wrong, we hear sometimes or we're more likely to hear about the one night stand where like, you know, maybe things weren't great or it wasn't a good experience. We rarely sort of give them the credit that sometimes they're due.

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_02] Like you can have a really great one or two night stand with a person that sets you up for, that resets you emotionally or sets you up for future erotic or sexual success with others. Just or like gives you, resets your expectations of what others, what you deserve, what others should bring to the table and what you can give others, what others might deserve from you and what you can bring to the table.

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_02] And it sounds like this was one of those transformative peak experience, one, two night stands that you're so much the better for having had.

[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely. Absolutely. I think I feel this real, more lightness around it and more confidence and just strengthen myself to just say, yeah, this is my situation. You know, it's not my fault that society puts all this crap on it. Like I'm still sexy and I'm still going to be myself.

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_02] Julia, what a great story. Thank you for sharing. One last question. Are you still in touch with this guy and can you give me his phone number and is he bi? Bye.

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_00] Normally I go for a bi guy, but this guy, I don't think so. We have each other on Instagram. So who knows? Maybe we'll end up in the same place at the same time again.

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_02] I hope you do. I really do hope so. Julia, thank you so much for coming on After Action Report. It was such a great story. Thank you for sharing it.

[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_00] Thanks so much.

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_02] Thanks again, Julia. And I think I speak for the entire Savage Love Listening community when I say jealous. If you have a story you want to share, yes, you after listening to Julia's story. If there's something you want to crow about, a cumble brag or a cautionary tale, send us an email at q at savage.love. Let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on After Action Report.

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_01] After Action Report.

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_02] This episode is brought to you by Drive Boost by VB Health. Your libido matters. In our culture, we act as if libido is secondary or even shameful. But libido can bring a lot of joy and vitality into your life and it can strengthen or cement those relationship bonds. That's why I think it's worth it to use whatever tools we have at our disposal to increase sex drive. And Drive Boost can really help.

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